Ash0427's Journal

I have not been on this site in a long time because I thought I could do this on my own and that I didn't need the help....but it turns out I really do need the help. I lost a total of 17lbs...and now I've gained it all back....and more. I can't believe it. All my hard work, time, effort, money...all of it...is gone. I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. None of my close fit anymore....I don't want to go out.....don't want to hang out with my friends or be with my family. I went shopping tonight...saw someone I knew....but I turned and walked away hoping that they didn't see me because of how much larger I look. I looked amazing....absolutly amazing...and then I threw it all away. I just ate. I can't stop doing it. Anything I do positive for myself...I mess up. I ruin it. I feel discusting, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything....I'm so mad at myself. I had such strength...and now I feel like I can't do a thing. I'd like to say i've hit rock bottom and that I'll get back on track tomorrow....but I feel like I can't. I have no motivation or anything pushing me. My focus is all over the place....and i'm not achieving anything I want to acheive. I can't believe how far I've fallen it's mind-blowing. I just want to stay home...and do nothing. I'm so ashamed of myself and my self-destructive habits.