Journal

Well, I know that nobody is probably going to read this, which is for the better...that way I have nothing to worry about. Today I woke up feeling fat, digusted with myself, and emotional. I began a new birth control pill which is sending my emotions on a freakin roller coaster. I woke up crying for no reason. Then I spoke with my step-dad who I have had lets say a mainly negative and argumentative relationship with since I was a teen. He is in the hospital and having some major health problems, and I am afraid that his time may be coming soon. I have a simple, extremely superficial relationship with both him and my mother- usually- until today when he began crying and apologizing about the way he has always treated me in the past. I was caught so off guard I didn't know how to react. I simply told him it was in the past, and I have tried telling myself that I have forgiven him. I mean, I don't let it ruin my life, but now that it is out in the open I realize I definitely do NOT forgive him for what he has done to me. I feel guilty for not being able to forgive him, but when I look back to the years of him raising me I see nothing but negative. He beat me. He verbally abused me from when I was a child til I was 16 and left his and my mother's house. How can I forgive him? How can I forget those precious years that I lost that I was supposed to be out having fun with friends but instead I was stuck at home being beat up? I have become a successful and independent woman despite how he treated me...but I did NOT deserve any of that. It was great to hear that he is sorry, but I am struggling even harder now to deal with it since he sincerely apologized about it. I'm torn.