Journal

WEll it has been 4 months since Jay died, that is a hard word to write. Jamie, Jay's wife has been amazingly strong. We may have a hole in our hearts (my husband - Jay's bro, myself and rest of family) but Jaimie has not only a hole in her heart she has a hole in her life. One thing I know is that God has given her the strength to carry on. God has given my husband and I as well as my inlaws the strength to carry on with out Jay. But mind you there are days, days that we cry for no reason, days that we stare out into space thinking  of Jay wishing that Cancer would not had taken our Brother Jay. Jay was my best freind besides my husband Robert and I talked to him anywhere from 3-5 times a week. Now who do I call. I am home alone 4 days out of week while my husband goes to work, before I never felt alone cuz there was Jay to talk to or he would come visit before he got to sick to travel. then I just saw him once a week usually Sunday or Monday. Now our days are filled with getting our new home in order, fixing, hanging pictures , whatever. I miss him so much it hurts........I know that in time my pain will ease....in time....but really I don't want to stop missing him I am afraid if I stop missing him I will stop thinking of him and what Jay meant to us in our lives. Jay was an inspiration. It was amazing to sit in the sidelines as he fought his battle with cancer. There is that evil work cancer. I HATE THAT WORD!!! You can't escape, hello, every freaking tv show, movie, or celebrety someone is fighting cancer some win and are free some die, but on tv most becasue its tv they survive sadly we know in the end there is death! I know I am rambling but this is just how I feel. I am lonely today, my inlaws were down visiting for the week and just left sunday to go home. This thanksgiving is going to be TOUGH!  Jamie does not wont to have thanksgiving this year I can't blame her. It will be a lonely dinner even though my husband, my son and I will be celebrating with my lil bro Albert we will be having ham this thanksgivinge, we did not even feel like cooking a turkey, why?

ok so I am rambling, where is this leading, who knows. I just know I am lonely today, more than Ihave been in a long long time. 

No worries I am not suicidal, this is just a moment I felt I needed to write in hopes that it makes me feel somewhat better.

oh well, need to go. Probably no one will read this anyway.

words are hard to say right now........I miss Jay so much. I know he is not in pain anymore and we my husband and I are trying hard to cherish his memories and honor Jay by feeling Blessed every day that we wake up.

thats all I can say right now.

thanks joy for reminding me to write ;p