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tricia12557 
11:50am, August 12, 2009
Today my sister called to talk to me about our Mom. She is worried that Mom is getting forgetful. Mom is a very indepedant woman who likes to do things her way. So we both know that if we suggest that we help her out she will get willful and say that she's not some old woman and she won't accept our help. My sister has it worse cause she lives on the same property and takes care of Mom. Since our Dad died May 11, 2007 we are ever more protective of Mom. When you experience a loss of someone close to you it makes you more protective of the ones you love.
Right after Daddy died my nephew moved in with Mom and stayed till he went to Marine boot camp last June. Since then she lives in her house alone and day by day she withdraws more it seems. My main fear is myself. What I mean by this is that I find myself withdrawing from my family because I am scared to lose anyone else. Stupid, Huh? You worry about your Mom but you start putting a wall up to keep the fear away. I'm so afraid that I will have to face another loss and I'm not over the loss of my Dad yet.
I know that Daddy is gone but sometimes it feels like he's just gone on a trail ride and will be back later. Then it will hit me that he's gone. We didn't have a burial at the cemetary cause he was cremated and my brother in law buried him. We thought it would be easier. But it just made it harder. We never got to say Goodbye that final time. I've been to the grave numerous times and tried to say my goodbyes but it's still not real. We left the funeral home that day and left him behind and I've replayed that scene in my mind a million times and thought Why didn't I go back in and say that final Goodbye Daddy. But I left him alone and there are days I can't bear it. So I want to cling to Mom even more but am so very scared of being devastated with her loss. Oh hell, just when I think I can move on with my grief it pops back up and knocks me down once more.
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Yes, those grief "waves" come crashing down on us and sometimes it feels like we are truly going to drown. You didn't leave your Dad behind, you have always been there for him in LIFE. How great he must have felt when he was alive to have such a precious daughter. Try to think of the good times that you had, Even though we had a funeral for my husband, I felt at the cemetary like I was "leaving" him there. I understand your pain. I also understand your feelings toward your Mom. WE have learned the hard way that someone we love can be taken from us. I never thought I would loose my soulmate at such a young age, but I did. It frightens me that I now KNOW that I can loose others that I love. But it is also a good lesson, now that we know and understand that we can be MORE loving towards our family our friends. We realize NOT to take anyone or anything for granted. I am comforted when I go to the cemetary to talk to Jim. I tell him everything that is going one, etc. and I just HOPE that he hears me and is watching over me. WE have to have HOPE. I know it is easier to try to distance yourself, because you feel if you do that and you do suffer another lose that the pain will be LESS. BUT, it truly doesn't work that way. As for your Mom being forgetful, it COULD be part of the grief process. Since losing my husband of 34 yrs. almost 15 months ago, I do get forgetful, I do have trouble at time focusing. Just be there for her, you are what she NEEDS right now. I am sending you big hugs, hope and strength to be able to "swim" thru those painful waves. Hugs, Alice
alicea