Journal

I have been very busy with shopping, baking  and wrapping presents today and once I finally stopped a moment to catch my breath I realized I was so stressed I was not enjoying myself at all.  I've been very sad since yesterday when I found out my oldest son won't be able to come home for Christmas.  I was really looking forward to having all my kids together, but alas it is not to be.

I guess it's been a harder time of year since my Dad passed away and I find that I approach each holiday with dread because it's not the same and I still miss him terribly.  Christmas was his favorite holiday and always wanted us to be together.

But he will always be with me in my heart.  I wonder if the sense of loss will ever get easier to bear.  I guess that's why I wanted my son to be here because I miss him so much.  He lives in NC and has been away from home for 8 years but he doesn't have a family and I always worry he'll be alone at holidays. I guess the Mom in us never goes away.

But I will try to muddle through this holiday because I have 2 other kids that will be depending on me and my Mom and sisters to spend the day with.  We'll all have some sadness and wish missing members of the fa,ily were with us but we'll be together and I can be thankful I still have them to share the memories with.

Today my sister called to talk to me about our Mom. She is worried that Mom is getting forgetful. Mom is a very indepedant woman who likes to do things her way. So we both know that if we suggest that we help her out she will get willful and say that she's not some old woman and she won't accept our help.  My sister has it worse cause she lives on the same property and takes care of Mom.  Since our Dad died May 11, 2007 we are ever more protective of Mom.  When you experience a loss of someone close to you it makes you more protective of the ones you love.

Right after Daddy died my nephew moved in with Mom and stayed till he went to Marine boot camp last June.  Since then she lives in her house alone and day by day she withdraws more it seems.  My main fear is myself.  What I mean by this is that I find myself withdrawing from my family because I am scared to lose anyone else.  Stupid, Huh? You worry about your Mom but you start putting a wall up to keep the fear away.  I'm so afraid that I will have to face another loss and I'm not over the loss of my Dad yet.

I know that Daddy is gone but sometimes it feels like he's just gone on a trail ride and will be back later.  Then it will hit me that he's gone.  We didn't have a burial at the cemetary cause he was cremated and my brother in law buried him.  We thought it would be easier.  But it just made it harder.  We never got to say Goodbye that final time.  I've been to the grave numerous times and tried to say my goodbyes but it's still not real.  We left the funeral home that day and left him behind and I've replayed that scene in my mind a million times and thought Why didn't I go back in and say that final Goodbye Daddy.  But I left him alone and there are days I can't bear it.  So I want to cling to Mom even more but am so very scared of being devastated with her loss.  Oh hell, just when I think I can move on with my grief it pops back up and knocks me down once more.

I've been having this strange feeling lately that I haven't felt in a very long time.  I wake up and jump out of bed, ready to face the day.  I go from activity to activity rushing around like a hummingbird.  I work in my yard cleaning out flower beds that grew up over the summer, clean up limbs in the yard, plant  and separate plants in my new clean beds.  I harvest the last of the vegatable garden, do laundry, play on the computer, go to basketball games for my son.  Rushing, rushing, rushing! All the while I keep thinking "When will I collapse in pain".  Well for the past 2 weeks virtually pain-free.  Minor little twinges and tiredness from a hard day's work, but no major pain.  It's a very scary feeling, this feeling of accomplishment.  It has been so very long since I could actually say "I feel good". 

To what do I owe this wonderful feeling? Well I'm not quite sure.  Yes, the cooler weather energizes me, the brisk fall air. I did have my Remacaid treatment for my arthritis 2 weeks ago and my dr gave me a cortisone shot in my knee.  The knee feels so much better. I also started a month ago on Osteo-Bi Flex Glucosamine tablets twice a day and a Vitamin B complex gel tablet every day.  If that is the reason YEA!  Whatever the reason I am going to embrace this feeling for as long as it lasts and think positively that I am in control of my body again and I can feel good. It feels good to be in control once again. Yes, I know I may be setting myself up for a fall, but I  don't care.  It has been so long since I felt in control of anything I want to relish the feeling.  The thing I hate most about Fibromyalgia is that it takes my control of me away.  Well for now I"M IN CONTROL soooo WATCH OUT WORLD!!