lasthopem's Journal

Do you ever have those days where you go through the motions of the day but you are so totally absent from it all?  That describes my day perfectly.  I went to work, but dont remember any of it.  I went shopping nd only just discovered what I bought... most of it useless mind you.  I even took  my neighbour to the shop to do her shopping.  I remember bits of that, but it is all hazy. 

I came home from work at the library this afternoon with two books that Ill never read... I dont have the time, energy, or patience to read a book these days even though its something i used to love.

I must have eaten lunch because im full.  Still full andits nearly tea time.  So Iprobably ate too much. 

Sigh.

You probably dont want to know this but ive been refining my plans a bit more.  I have all the 'ingredients' now sorted out. 

I have a counselling session tomorrow but im considering cancelling because I dont see the point really.  I know he is trying to help but i dont know why i go to be honest.  I started going because i wanted to get better, but i seriously dont believe it will ever happen, and I disappoint enough people already  why waste his time with me when he can be helping other people who are going to benefit.

I kinda feel like ive already made up my mind anyway about where my life is heading and ive been thinking whats the point in counselling if im going to end it all sometime anyway?

see I told you you were not going to want to know this lol.

Just thinking.  

Right now, the only reason Im still here is because of my sis.  Not me, or because i want to get better but because my lil sis told me that if i do it she will and she has so much to live for that I cant be the cause of her suicide.   The only thing i do think about is that she has people there to help her and if I can somehow convince them to stop her if I do then thats when i will.  Or if I get a really bad urge and cant control it,  but i hope that doesnt happen.

I want to be in control when I do.  Its the one thing Ive never felt is in control and I dont want to die never having felt that.

Anyway Im just going on about shit now.  How are you all going? I promise Ill try to be around more for you all.  Ive been trying to get used to my new job and its been making me a bit exhausted lately but i think im slowly getting used to it.

its keeping me active anyway.  Ive lost just over 15kgs now... not since i started the job but i did plateau for a bit but since i started the new job ive started losing again.  Which is great.  I have deliberately forced myself not to eat anymore than before (except today whatever i ate for lunch) even though im working harder to try and lose it a bit qucker.  I had to go buy new work clothes the other day... three sizes smaller than when i started trying to lose weight.  Its a good feeling.

my stomach has way shrunk too because i hardly eat anything and i feel full which is awesome.

Oh and I found my peg that I lost the other day - not that it matters because i had to go buy new ones anyway and now the old ones are useless to me.  but at least i found it so now i dont have that stressing me out.  LOL - life is wierd when you get stressed out by a clothes peg lol.

and the last bit of news is that my neighbour two doors up but in the same set of units as me died yesterday.  Sudden heart attack.  I didnt know her too well just in passing hellos but its still wierd.   but the horrible thing is that before thy had even got her body to the hospital the neighbour who lives in between us was trying to break into her house for who knows what - probably to see what valuables she had left behind... what kind of world do we live in?

Anyway, please let me know how you are all going.  Im sorry I havent ben in touch properly.  

M