lasthopem's Journal

I was asked the other day what I thought life would be like if I had hope.  The answer is, I dont know because I dont see my life having a hope.  I see my life as someone who has a permanent tonne of weight on their shoulders and then is being forced to walk up a never ending hill and while theyre at it, to be happy about the fact they have a life at all.  And all for what, really?  Nothing. I dont believe in an afterlife as such, I just believe it all ends... and how appealing that sounds right now.

But i am being kept here by forces out of my control and its starting to wear me down.

But getting back to the first thing I mentioned (looking at life with hope) I also have realised that I really dont want to even try to look at it.  Its sad really.  But I just dont want it.  I dont want to try and imagine something I dont think will ever happen.  Why look at what you cant have.  Its like window shopping in the high-end shops that you know you will never have enough money to even get through the door let alone buy things.

I am tired of being disappointed by everything, why add being disappointed by myself on top of that.

I dont know if this is totally the wrong way of looking at things but then again, what does it really matter if it is wrong, because it is how it is. 

Ugh, I hate it whe n I start to think too much.  I wish I could just be numb for a while.  Numb to the thoughts and feelings and memories.  But I have been trying so hard not to give in.  Only for my sis.  If it were up to me I would be stoned off my face right now.

But then again, if it was up to me I wouldnt need to be numb because I wouldnt be at all.

sigh.  Life sucks.

I am going to hide from the world tomorrow.  Im going to disappear for a day.

 Because I can.