Journal

went for a drive.  Had this song in my head all day...  

(I put most of it in and changed a couple of words to make it make sense - I dont know if it is sugar ray's doing or the people who put online lyrics up but parts of it were jibberish)

She falls apart by herself
No ones there to talk or understand
Feels the sting, dries her eyes
Finds herself, opens the door inside
People see right through you
Everyone who knew you well
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasteed

Runaway runaway runaway runaway

Hold onto you but your going away
Runaway runaway runaway runaway
Hold you tomorrow but your leaving today
You walk along by yourself
There's no sound, nothing is changing
 They've gone away, left you there
Emptiness is nothing you can't share
All those words that hurt you
More than you would let it show
Comes apart, by yourself
All is well and everything is wasted

....

She falls apart, no one there
Hold her hand, it seems to disappear
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasted

Just because you breathe doesnt mean you are alive.  I still blieve i died a long time ago.  Now  I just wish my body would catch up.

I dont know really where this dark mood i coming from, but it sucks.

But i did lose more weight.   I guess thats a good thing.

What would you do?

If you were here

In these shoes,

Sitting in this chair,

You would be free.

And you would be happy.

Because that’s how you view life.

Not me.

I’m a waste,

And that’s how I view life.

I am not free.

And I am certainly not happy.

I am trapped by my own mind,

And my own fears and realities.

I have one escape.

Only one way,

To feel that freedom,

And a few seconds of happiness.

For me it comes at the end of a blade,

Or a few too many pills,

On another painful night alone.

Because I know,

That I am never going to win,

This war I have tried my entire life to fight.

Only now I realise,

It is a losing battle on my part.

A prolonged sadness for those around me.

And that’s one thing I hate.

So I decide

To finish the race,

Early. Now.

I can taste the freedom.

I can feel the nothingness.

I can see them recovering soon.

Getting over my horrid existence.

But when I try.

I fail again and again.

I cannot do it.

Not that way.

Not the other way. 

They are too lenient.

So I have one option.

Which I will use when it is time.

I feel the overwhelming need to be hurting today.  It has been a horrible day and i am over it entirely.  I am stting/lying curled up in a tiny ball (ok not so tiny coz im fat, but curled up in a ball) on my couch wondering why i am here and being forced to endure this.  Ok, so yes, I have a choice.  I could end it all now. I make the choice to torture myself further by staying conscious.  It is for others, not myself, but I guess that doesnt matter to them so long as i am breathing, right?

Sorry for the downer but yeah, its a bad day.  A really bad day.