Wilo's Journal

What has happened in my life has been a very trying time. It has certainly been one of the most difficult times to understand. I have been trying for a long time to recover, and I know I will, because I am committed to it. Tonight I went for a walk. I have been trying to do this everyday, because it really does help me clear my head and to feel better. During my walk I came to understand something important.

Whatever happens in our life that brings us to stop and makes us look back and think about what we see is like growing up again. What I see is my life as free and fulfilled as when I was a kid. There were limits and positives to everything. I had to be in bed at a certain time and I got to spend time with my friends. At the end of the day, I had to go home and get dinner and get ready for tomorrow.  There some constraints and some freedoms. It all balanced out. 

Now I have come to understand this growing up again. My relationship that was I was in was exactly what I had always imagined my own family would be like. I knew what I wanted for my family and I got it. But then my family life broke and I had to go a different way. It was very confusing and still is sometimes. It's hard to accept change that I  don't make myself.

I came to realize tonight while walking that my relationship ending was just growing up again. I am not trivializing the importance of that relationship and the profound impact it had on my life. I was the happiest man in the world. But just like when I turned 18 and had graduated from high school, and had to start my life over again, that is where I am at today. I'm on my own. I have to find a new place to live and I have make new friends and do something with my life again. I will go out and enjoy life again, maybe in different ways than post high school or college graduation. There will be constraints and freedoms, dreams, and adventures just like the last time I had to start my life. What happens between now and some day in the future is important.

If I ever have to start over again, I want to look back at the last life - where I am now - and know that it was a happy time. And I will figure out then what my new life means then and how to start it over again. I guess I will call it graduating with a degree in life experiences of some sort.

My new future is waiting for me. As painful as it has been, I am grateful for finally having come to this realization. It's a way of looking at life and feeling more in control of it because I understand a little more about how life works now.

I am also grateful for everything that I have learned and for the challenges that have helped me to be stronger and to know that I had a family that was my dream. I am grateful for having had my family.

So now I end my day feeling empowered to take on the future now that I have grown up again. But I'll be a little more careful this time. That is just part of learning from the past.

Good night.