poppy1975's Journal

Ok ok i know.......id write soon but my emotions have well and truly been turned on there head over the past few months!

As i said in my earlier journal i was trying to integrate myself back into society a little more after the traumatic experiences with my son!(who has bounced back fantastically now!) ....which i did manage to do (returned to work for 2 months) until unfortunitly the pressures of my job got to much ( not helped by finding out that my abusive father had died) so i am now presently off work again with no sign of returning for some time!

 Would you believe i still have not heard a single thing from the pychology dept and at last check it was just over 23 weeks since referral!!! (Im dispairing with it all, No light at the end of the tunnel!) and just the other day my grandfather died!

 The accumilation of all these elements has sent me several times on an extreme downward curve to the point i have felt like either running away and not coming back or doing away with myself! dont feel like the drugs are working!! (But i guess im made of stubborn stuff...im still here!)

My abusive father dying has sent me completely realing..... everyone thinks i should be exstatic! but its not as easy as that. He was the only person to have showed me any humanity or affection (even though it was in the sickest of ways) and the thought of which just brought on more flashbacks and nausea!.......

Part of me wants to jump for joy, part feels guilt for feeling that way, part feels sick with relief that he can never be near another human being again, and part seems to feel grief which none of the above anyone understands!

Ok feeling to unwell to write anymore but promise i will write again soon x