Journal

Ok ok i know.......id write soon but my emotions have well and truly been turned on there head over the past few months!

As i said in my earlier journal i was trying to integrate myself back into society a little more after the traumatic experiences with my son!(who has bounced back fantastically now!) ....which i did manage to do (returned to work for 2 months) until unfortunitly the pressures of my job got to much ( not helped by finding out that my abusive father had died) so i am now presently off work again with no sign of returning for some time!

 Would you believe i still have not heard a single thing from the pychology dept and at last check it was just over 23 weeks since referral!!! (Im dispairing with it all, No light at the end of the tunnel!) and just the other day my grandfather died!

 The accumilation of all these elements has sent me several times on an extreme downward curve to the point i have felt like either running away and not coming back or doing away with myself! dont feel like the drugs are working!! (But i guess im made of stubborn stuff...im still here!)

My abusive father dying has sent me completely realing..... everyone thinks i should be exstatic! but its not as easy as that. He was the only person to have showed me any humanity or affection (even though it was in the sickest of ways) and the thought of which just brought on more flashbacks and nausea!.......

Part of me wants to jump for joy, part feels guilt for feeling that way, part feels sick with relief that he can never be near another human being again, and part seems to feel grief which none of the above anyone understands!

Ok feeling to unwell to write anymore but promise i will write again soon x

 Well to start sorry i have not been to you for ages i have been going through a very reclusive stage!.... but oh boy truly where do i start?

Ok here goes, update on my son he had his op didnt go to great very stressful but within a few days he was home and doing well! gets to around a week after the op ,im beginning to relax a little about the possible post op problems and my worst nightmare happens he wakes me at 430am heamoraging blood from his throat! emergency ambulance, emergency op (warned he may not survive) and hospital stay! Thank god he is fully recovered now, i can honestly say i have never prayed as much as i did then! ( i truly never want to go through that again!) just have his nightmares and trauma problems to help him get through now!

So update with me well other than my nerves being completely and utterly shot from the above, im still off work but being encouraged to return in september (the thought of which scares me to death) but i know ive got to at least try! My meds have been doubled and seem to be helping me get through day to day now, though unfortunately they dont do anything to stop the flashbacks and lack of sleep which then makes them worse (viscious circle). Still not heard anything on the psychologist front! theres a shock! have faced up to the fact i cannot do this by myself anymore and according to sources have become or always have been dependant on my hubby! who is now seeing counciling to help him cope with what im going through!

As i said at the beginning i am feeling very reclusive, i have been forcing myself to get out, though with the help of hubby! Some days just wake early hours, pace the floors,cant relax at all very aggitated (though my house is spotless tend to clean constantly when i get like that!)

just feel i want no interaction with anyone or anything outside my close family lately (safety thing i guess??) but i know i must try and intergrate myself into society as much as i can and am making a consertive effort at the moment to go out and mix as much as possible....... one of the reasons i am on here today! so i will write again soon and again i have to say a massive thanks to sandi who still always says hi and checks on me xxx