westwind's Journal

As I was sitting in the room off the kitchen yesterday evening minding my own business this thought came knocking on my door and at first I tried to ignore it but it was persistent and kept knocking not loudly or anything but relentless all the same. It wanted to inform me that I have this landmine lodged behind my my knee and that when ever God wanted to all He had to do was push a button and that could be curtains for me. The more I thought about this grim realization the more I came to realize that there isn't a damn thing that I can do about it and that's okay!

I'm not ready to die, but I'm not unwilling to die either...if that makes any sense? Maybe better stated I'm not afraid to die and in some degree welcome it...but not rushing it. The way I look at it I've spent my time in a living hell and with death comes peace, tranquilty and whatever else lies behind the rainbow so to speak.

I've been trying to get things in order, as little as is left to dispurse and make sure that certain people get the last of the few items that I have left and that certain relatives are not allowed anywhere near my service if my brother's feel one is warranted, I don't but, if they need one so be it.

I'm not planning on going anywhere soon but trying to get things in order because you never know when God will push the botton. I thought I might experieince this sudden rush of I have to do this, that and the other thing but it hasn't appeared yet, if it ever will? Yes, there are many things left to do and see that I will be disappointed about but then again, I'll be dead and it won't matter.

I know whomever reads this might think what the? But when it comes down to it, none of us know when that button will be pushed and now I have something that could make that button being pushed sooner than anticipated. The only way we survive as a race is that we push that thought of death out of our mind when ever it encroaches our view, but I have finally looked the beast in the eye and said so be it, and it isn't as ugly or scary as one thinks. 

God...Jon lighten up! But I'm okay with that!