westwind's Journal

The palce: Boston, MA

The date: Thursday, Spetember 27th

The time: 11:50 PM

The location: My bedroom in my apartment

The year: 1984

As it approached time to let the night fairies do their job and put me to sleep, along with a pain pill and a couple of Canadian Clubs and water, I took a sip of the delicious cocktail, placed it on the bed side table, reached up and turned off the light and passed out.

Friday: September 28th:

I awoke early and gingerly made my way downstairs a very big no-no, not allowed to do stairs and poured the leftover cocktail down the sink and hobbled my way upstairs before the care giver had shown up for her shift. I got showered, dressed and ready to go. I had a doctors appointment and wasn't going to be late. The care giver arrived and get me some breakfast and then it was time to call a taxi and make my way to Mass. Generl for my 11:00 AM appointment. Got in, saw the doctor...The first Doctor Mc-Dreamy! And got the good news. I was finally able to get up and walk, outside of going to the bathroom and shower. After two and half months of being flat on my back in bed I was ready to do some walking. Left the hospital, stopped at a florist, got a plant for my caregiver and arrived home, discharged her and finally had the place to myself once again.

I spent the rest of the day doing something, what I have no recollection and as the hours and minutes ticked by I became increasing nervous. The plan was scheduled to take place around 6:30 and I gettin afraid that I just might not go through with it. Finally 6:30 arrived and I hit the front door for a walk. The longest walk of my life...time and to a degree distance wise. When you're moving at a snails pace walking is more of a chore than mode of transporation. I lite a cigarette, made it half a block, put it out, lite another, the walk was only seven blocks in total but when you can't move they way you use to, time passes very slowly. I made the seven block walk in half an hour, smoked four cigarettes and made the descent down the church stairs to the meeting. 

Upon arrivial I survyed the crowd saw some finailiar faces and some co-workers as well. They were surprised to see me but said hello and left me alone. I was a nervous mess and could barely sit still in those terribly uncomfrotable metal chairs that churches use for meetings and with a bad back it didn't make the hour long meeting go any faster. But as the meeting came to a close I heard myself utter for the first time and for the most part fully accpet the fact that My name is Jon and I'm an alcoholic. I was in denial still but knew the truth was close to the surface and it couldn't stay hidden much longer. There I said it...loud and clear for all those to hear...I'm an alcoholic! Since that date I haven't looked back. I attended six meeting in total and found them to be more awful than life itself. I have nothing against AA, but it just wasn't for me. So I stopped going, continued working on soberiety with my then shrink and here it is my silver annivesary! Yahoo! 

During this period there have been only two times that I have really been tempted to grab a bottle and say fuck it. It hits me every twelve years...marriages get hit at the seven year mark, I get hit every twelve years. I had cravings and desires but the need, desire and want to drink has only occured twice. The first time was when I realized I was losing the restaurant, my dream, my life. I came into work, poured myself four fingers of Absolut and came into the office slammed the drink down on the desk and started to cry. My manager was on the phone beside at her desk and hung up and we talked for forty-five minutes to calm me down and get a grip. She asked if she wanted me to throw it away and I said no...I'll do it! Which I did. I was in the crapper so low and my head had about ten sound tracks going on at once and I had to cook and get through the night and crying my eyes out and realized I needed something to make it stop. I contacted a friend and got a joint, got home, sat down in front of the TV, took one puff and the madness srtopped immediately. Maybe I shouldn't have reached for the joint for whatever reasons but at least it wasn't a cocktail. That one puff took everything away, everything in my head just stopped and allowed me to regain some peace and tranquilty. I didn't need more because pot makes paranoid. So I beat the denmons after all. And everything that has followed since then...my life has been in the crapper for the past fourteen years and still cocktail free. Just for the record...I did attend AA meeting after that episode for about three months, the meetings were better but traveling 100 miles round trip just wasn't making it anymore. But thanks to the group up in Asheville!

The next time was last year, year 24 when I was svery sick and in such pain that I was out of my mind and swallowing pain pills like lifesavers just to try to sleep and I got the idea, there's a huge bottle of Absolut in the bar, just take a big swig and passout. Not wanting to escape or forget or get drunk but just knock me out so that I could sleep. I popped my eigth pain pill in three hours and passed out. Within two days I was in the hospital connected to IV's of pain pills and heavy duty antibiotics to fight off the infection that was in my jaw and skull. So, I made it through another tough call. Which eventually brought me to DS!

I always thought that the death of my mother would send me over the edge to start drinking again, but you see she was my hero. She had conquered the bottle for nine or more years before she died whereas my father conquered it for 30 days and on the way home from rehab stopped and picked up a bottle and was dead within a year. I had the before and after picture to keep me focused and give my sobriety the importance and priority that it deserved and still does. Here is to another twenty-five years...should I be so lucky to live that long, and I'm not sure that I want to be around for that anniversary. But if I am, I'll go out and get drunk to celebrate! JUST KIDDING!!!!!!

Thank you God and all of those who have helped me through some tough times with my battle with the bottle!  Amen!