westwind's Journal

Well, after less than twelve hours of thought the decision has been made. I'm not going anywhere! It was put to me today by my boss because of the way things have worked with my vacation, letter of resignation and operation and procedures and the need for insurance that I need to stick around for a while. So, I'm staying in this god-forsaken place until March...that is if I can make it.

I wish I could cry but I can't. Plus, I know if it started it would take about three weeks to finally stop and let's face it, crying and operations don't go together.

So, I'm totally screwed, fucked in more ways than one. I will need to meet with my doctor in order to get more powerful meds to get me through this. The one's that I'm on now just aren't going to be strong enough to keep me on this planet. I feel myself sliding down a dark hole and the end is nowhere in sight. I'm so tired of all the damn drama in my life! God...it has got to stop and now! I don't like giving you orders but this one is way past his point of dealing with life's shit!

I'm a surviver, not a victim but I don't have the energy or the will power to fight anymore. I need to save what little strength that I have left to heal and get well. the relatives and I will be sitting down and discussing things and how they need to change at the farm. They cannot continue on as they have been for the past two years and me remain sane. I just hope that my brother can stick around long enough to help me through this talk. I don't trust myself not to completely go over the edge and tell them to bloody well fuck off. So maybe I can talk him into staying another day and help me through this. If not, I'll figure out a way to get through by stuffing numerous pain medication down my throat along with some tranquilizers and probably melt in the chair...if I can find one under all the debris and dropcloths and other fucking messes at the farm. the thought of another Christmas here just makes me want to curl up and die!  

So there God, I have surrendered to your over powering ways, now lets get on the same page, get me well, keep me sane, get my bosses and relatives off my back, help me rebuild my finances that are going to totally wiped out by prepaying for this operation, where that money is going to come from I have no idea and let me leave this place come March 2010! Deal!? Let me know when you think it over, but in clear, concise words and ways that I can understand.