westwind's Journal

Well, I headed up the mountain this morning and while traveling 75 mph and chain smoking I felt the tears starting to make themselves known, I was having a meltdown/panic attack on the expressway...not the best place to have one but then again, everything I do doesn't fit into the norm. Finally after several miles and countless times repeating to myself..."Pull it together Jon" I finally was able to clear the demons and focus on what I should have been doing the whole time, my driving.

I arrived at the Dr's. office and did what one has to do and then waited. He saw me right on schedule which totally blew me away. A doctor on time...will wonders ever cease? We talked, he examined me, then left the room while I got dressed, came rushing back in, stated matter of factly what was going on, gave me information and told me that he was ordering an ultra-sound for Friday morning, then return to his office Friday afternoon. He stated that it was my gall bladder and probably what has happened is that a stone has gotten lodged in the duct so the bile isn't able to get out. I asked about what that meant and he said, that your gall bladder is "angry"...no shit Sherlock, it's been pissed off for weeks without me knowing about it. Found out that all if the heartburn and upper back pain that I have been sufferring from was the start of the problem had I known would have acted sooner! But when you don't know the symptoms and guess it's just something else what are you suppose to do? I asked if it's "angry" then what? "Operation" came his reply. "When", Monday...wholly shit my thoughts said! Well, nothing like a fast acting doctor!

Finally got word that the ultra-sound is scheduled for 8:15 this morning, but the appointment to see him has been pushed back to Tuesday. I guess he feels it isn't that "angry" after all. Try telling that to my body Doc! From there I immediately fly up the street for the consulation for the EDG and Colonoscopy. I had high hopes with having the surgery on Monday that could mean that I might be able to leave as scheduled, but I don't think that's an option anymore! Coping fairly well with that aspect. Maybe postponed by a week???? Who knows? Not until Tuesday I guess, so the damn flapjack is going to spend five days in the air while I wait for it to fall and by then I won't want to eat the damn thing anyway!

Speaking of which, I've lost six pounds in the past month which I'm thrilled about but not for the reasons that it is taking place. I'm sure by all the fasting and everything else that need to take place before all the tests I'll drop even more, most likely another five pounds! I haven't eaten in two days, no appetite, too much pain or no food in the house...take your pick! I'm concened about the constant diarhhea especially with the lack of eating, but it might make the prep work for the colonoscopy a bit easier, that is absolute torture.

So it's sit and wait and hope for the best.

I went over and spoke with my aunt and she was very upset which I appreciated and stated to her..."Now do you see why I want to get out of here?" "Well, Tryon has nothing to do with it" was her reply. I just looked at her and thought you all down here just don't get it do you? Life has been one bloody battle after another for the past 14-15 years and you can honestly sit there and tell me that my sorroundings have nothing to do with it? Get a clue. Then she stated very indirectly that she would be of no financial help to me. I looked at her with absoulte disguist. I never even brought up the subject and here she is projecting that I will hit her up for money. Rude ass bitch! The financial fallout from all of this work will be huge and things from last year's mess are still fucked...still owe over $2,000.00 which I was planning on walking away from...not my style but hey, I can't deal with it anymore. Any money that I have been able to pull together for my escape is going to remain for me. I don't know how I'll pay for this and it has to be pain in advance of operation, but I'll max out my credit cards if needed, not much space but if I have to place a little bit on all cards then so be it and that doesn't include the costs for the EDG and Colonoscopy. I can't go there. Right now I have to get through the next six hours of work without a drop of water. I live on water and that's it. My mouth is like a desert and I can't even have a breath mint to help. The smoking isn't helping but that's all I've got.

Well, look at it this way Jon, you'll get an extended vacation! You'll need about 2 weeks recovery time and then follow up visits, so I guess I'll have to resend my resignation...if they allow it, but hey as long as all work is done by the time I lose my insurance I don't really care.

Isn't life just grand? NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!