westwind's Journal

It was the weekend from hell. I called my boss on Friday and woke the poor thing up at 10AM...must be nice! Asked if I still had a job, there was a rather long pause I heard myself say shit and then she said yes, but we will talk about it on Monday. I did my very best to remain calm and somewhat pulled together through out the weekend but come Sunday it was Three Mile Island all over again and then I finally got off my ass and started my great-niece's quilt, that took about 30-45 minutes and I fianlly was able to get my finger nails out of the ceiling. 

Thursday: I decided to relieve some stress the old fashion way, by myself, and all hell broke loose. My old "war injury" as I call it reared it's ugly head. It would seem that the doctor who did the operation back in 04 didn't remove the vein after all. It's not phamtom pain from five years ago! So I called my doctor on Monday on set up an appointment to see him, get all the notes and what not from the quack that did the operation back in 04 and see exactly what this moron did or didn't do. So this could mean another operation! Another seven weeks out of work. Thank God I have the PTO hours to cover my sorry ass if needed.

Monday morning at 11AM show up for what is to be my evaluation and "talk" and there was a heated discussion going on between one of my bosses and the indidivual that I made mayhem happen to. Great! She's already pissed off. So I wait, then my other boss finally arrives and so we set ourselves down in the back office and then it starts. I was raked over the fucking coals like no tomorrow! Very close to losing my job! Kept my mouth shut as best as possible but it did get heated at times and she accussed my of insubordination..."Do you want me to add it to this paper?" I felt like say why the fuck not? But kept my nouth shut. Meanwhile I am stoned out of my mind on pain pills and tranquilizer to keep it together. She accussed me of doing so much damage to this young man and set him back for god knows how much. Meanwhile I'm apologizing over and over again and she doesn't think that I understand the seriousness of what I did, that's when things got hot. Meanwhile my other boss isn't saying a damn word. I try to bring things up and am shot down faster than superman. She wouldn't let it go until I admitted that I had butted in. Such a mother fucking bitch. Meanwhile this guys caseworker is there and their talking and she my boss asks what right is that I know everything that is going on with everybody and I stated to better serve them. She didn't like that answer and wasn't going to buy it. Which in my lame ass opinion is the truth, the more we know the better off we can help these people. But I guess secrets are to guarded. Fucking bullshit! So we finally get through raking me over the coals and I say I wanted to apologize to him on Thursday but I was told not to..."just leave it alone" My boss didn't like that but hey was doing as was told. A lot of crap could have been avoided this weekend if I had apologized and made things right but noooo I'm not allowed. They recommened that I take some classes over and shit like that but no way! I'm not the fucked up one in this sick house. She also stated that they are concern about my emotional wellbeing. I told no one is more concerned about my emotional well being than I am! I tried explaining all the shit that has been going on and continues to go on and she wasn't buying it...it was a fuckign witch hunt! I stated that I have numerous paid time off hours and from now on I'll be leaving early every day except weekends. She agreed. Anything to keep from looking at those to mother fucking bitches and getting involved with these people. She ended it with you can always come in and talk with me...like hell. I'd kill the bitch if she and I were the last two people on earth and she was on the other side of the world, I'd hunt her down and strangle all all the bloody lies right out of her throat.

We will have words before I leave! And if she tries to blackball me when I leave I will sue her and this fucking company for everything they have! When asking for references or checking on past empolyment they can legally only say that yes you worked there and that's it!

We then all got together and had another meeting with the guy, my bosses and his caseworker and it seemed to me that the hot topic wasn't the subject that I brought up but something completely different, yet I was made th scapegoat for all this shit. I will take responsibility for my actions and admit that it was part of the problems but it wasn't the head runner like I was made to believe. I am so outta there. Keep my mouth shut about quitting.

Need to see what happens with doctor tomorrow and who he referres me to but my options are very narrow as far as hospitals. There are only two in the area that I will step over the threshold of and hopefully they don't know what has happened with the other four!

Relatives we like shadows which was nice. Never crossed paths with them. But they still burned my ass for showing up unannounced, they arrived a day early and never even bothered to call like I asked, fucking brats. Their parents were here Monday AM as well but we missed each other, which I would have liked to tell them that I was hitting the road in person but it will have to be via e-mail, that is if I don't have to have another operation and delay my plans yet again. At times I think I'm going to die in this state, whether it is by my hand or God's! Either way, at least I'll be free from all the bullshit in my life one way or the other.  

There have been a great deal of crows staying around the house this year, up on the terrace, front lawn and everywhere, more bold than usual. I know in some Native American beliefs the crow symbolizes death, well so be it, whether it is my physical death of the death of my life once I leave this fucking place so be it. So that crow and huge side of kiss ass was extremely hard to get down let alone digest, it still makes appearences all to often, but hang on Jon, two more work weeks, then vacation, then off for three weeks, then two more work weeks and it will later bitches! Mid Spetember will not get here fast enough! I strongly suggest marinating the crow for several hours in a nice balsamic vinegar base marinade, and for the side of kiss ass, lots of freshly crakced pepper and a dash of Lawry's Seasoned Salt.