westwind's Journal

An old boss once told me a very simple pharse when I was going through bankruptcy and over the past ten years that phrase or mantra had escaped with everything else that all the crap of life has taken, but yesterday afternoon it came creeping back into my thoughts and it still rings true.

Some times it is better to lose a little than to gain nothing...aka...cut your losses and run. Thank you...old boss, can't remember your name...Terry! 

I can no longer fight the fight, whether it be city hall so to speak or a bunch of homophobic bitches at work who think they know it all with their degrees and twenty-five years experience in management...well guess what bitch...I have over thirty years of management tranining in hard knocks and working with all sorts of problems and trust me, I'm not the dumbass that you all think I am. You're all so damn worried about covering your fat asses and forgetting what we are trying to do here is to make these peoples lives better, whether we agree with their decisions or not, it is their right to try and fail or succeed. Yes we are to guide when we can but to get them so screwed up and turned around and caught into your own fears is sicker than sick. So, I'm sorry to those that I support, I can no longer fight your battles. I'm not doing my job and I apologize for that but I have too much to take care of myself right now and with dealing with all of that, all of your problems, government problems handed down by budget cuts galoure...20,000,000,000.00 worth and everything else I can no longer do it and keep my own self stable. I will help when asked, and make sure that no harm comes to you but I can no longer invest in your best interests.

Thursdays that I leave work should be days of joy and happiness but instead they are days of carnage and I can't do it any longer. They have come to me as Three Mile Island meltdown days. I was headed for another major meltdown yesterday after having a "talk" about my attempts to help a person that I support and I could barely manage the strength to get out the fucking door that released me into freedom. Once fredom hit it has downhill fast. Had I owned a gun I would have used it yesterday and left my relatives a nice stinking mess when they arrive next week...give me fucking strength! But instead as a nuclerer (sp) thing it is surrounded by water to keep it cool from over heating, causing a meltdown and total distruction in every sense of the word. I jumped into the pool and the cool waters cooled my core and stopped the meltdown...saved by water once again. This time I took a friends advice and screamed underwater and got not much out of it but a mouth full of water but it did help a tad...thank you dear friend! 

I have given up the quilting that I had started with a resident, something that I enjoyed and took great comfort in and been wanting to do for the past 15 years, but I guess with all of my good intentions I ran over you and was only trying to help, learn how to do it myself and ease some of my overloaded stress levels. But I placed the unfinished work on your bed, you can do as you wish, finish it, don't finish it, tear it up when you get in one of your moods or whatever. Thank you for showing me the way to ease my stress levels, I'll always be grateful. I apologize for trying too hard to all that I serve and have learned more from you than you have from me. 

I will finish my time, only three more working weeks until much needed vacation, then three weeks of total freedom then back to for two more working weeks then I'm done. I'm outta here! And getting on with my life!