westwind's Journal

I've started the proccess of getting things in order for the great push out of this small town and on to a bigger and better way of life. I've come to realize that I'm headed for this huge brick wall all the while having one foot on the accelerator and one of the brake. I feel the pressure from the outside on my right leg, stronger than me, while the whole time applying as much pressure to the brake pedal. I've begun to wonder if I should just remove my foot from the brake and crash and burn upon impact of hitting this brick wall, get it over and done with and begin picking up the pieces, or by keeping my foot on the brake I'm still allowing myself the cocoon of my safety zone. What I'm about to do is so outside of my box that it has me terrified for about 90-95% of the time while the remaining percentage is filled with excitment and glee about what could be. I was talking with a co-worker yesterday about this and she said three simple yet complex words that made the most sense I've heard in a long time, but left me absolutely clueless as to how to do it: she said..."Remove the wall", simple, easy enough to comprehend but how does one remove something that is so strong, so fortified and rooted that it seems an impossible task?

I'm doing my best to approach this from different angles and trains of thought, but at times I can't help but feel that the train done left the terminal. I've come to think of this as an adventure, also realizing that I'm the only one that is placing this time span on myself of getting there...where there might be...I'm not sure of yet...as fast as possible. But today I thought, what the hell is the bloody rush for? There is no requirement for being in New Mexico within days from leaving NC.

I've planned a course to visit my brother in Columbia, MO who I haven't seen in over twenty years, just a day or two, from there move towards Seattle to finally see the city that my mother was born in...although I'm sure it is nothing like what she visioned during her young life. Also attempt to locate my grandparents resting place and finally say good bye to them. From there head to Portland OR to visit with a friend for a day or two, then hit the road for Santa Cruz to visit with another friend for a day or two. Leave CA and finally see the Grand Canyon and then procceed to New Mexico and search for a place called home.

I've figured out the cost of gas and that will consume about a third of my budget, which terrifies me to no end. Leaving little for shelter and food along the way, while trying to have money to rent once hitting NM. I've realized that I have a few remaining things to sell, won't bring in too much cash but every bit helps, but I also realized with no mandatory time frame I can stop during my travels at places that interest me and find work and save some money and move on from there.

So, I've done and doing my best to throw the whole fucking box away and begin pushing that wall of fear and the unknown out of my path. It won't be easy but it can and will be done. There is a bigger and better life out there for me somewhere and by God I'll find it and Lord knows I deserve if after all the bullshit that NC has thrown at me and I have surmounted and survived. I'm one tough bitch when needed and I guess it time to pull up the panty hose and dig in the silittos to a life worth finding, fighting and living for! Amen!

Projected date of departure, late August. In time to be gone before the relatives land in yet again! Speaking of which, they're due to arrive on Thursday, how many, for how long, how the hell do I know, they don't bother to inform me of their plans and yet they seek communication from me. That's a bloody fucking laugh! But hey, as long as they don't piss in bed like last time, that will be an improvement, but if they do...I will not clean it up!  Can I get an amen brother? AMEN!!!!!!!!