westwind's Journal

Sometimes it takes a while for one to face facts even if they're not the most pleasant of sightings. It finally happened today for me and for the first time in about two and a half years I'm actually looking forward to being homeless! I will get out of North Carolina and I will no longer be subjected to the disapproving eyes and rude, thoughtless and insensitive comments of my family.

I realize that I was a spoiled brat when I was young, being the youngest of four, almost dying at least once prior to the age of one and then another time after that, but I have grown up and have changed my life for the better. I have always been looked down upon by my family since I was young because after about the age of seven or so I got fat, and my grandmother hated fat people, regardless of who they were. Being a true matriarch and her word was law it was made clear to all other family members that me being fat wasn't acceptable in this family. Well, tell me Grannie, what would you have me do to deal with my stress of having two alcoholic parents and listening to Saturday night at the fights Monday through Sunday for years on end? I needed something to comfort me and it turned out to be food, which turned in to booze, imagine that and then drugs! But let's not forget Grannie dearest my parents never had a drinking problem in your eyes, none of your children ever did anything wrong. That's it, just look the other way and maybe it might go away...wrong!

So after losing weight and getting thin, I was too thin for everyone, I was drinking too much, so I got off the booze and drugs. Then I got fat again, then thin, then fat, then thin and story goes on. Now I smoke too much...only habit felt, but hey, all of you drinking like lushes doesn't cause concern for anyone else. But who am I to judge? Nobody according to my eyes, through yours!

And let's not forget that I'm GAY! Can't have that in the family now can we?

And yes, I pissed through my inheirtance with cars, homes, clothes and a bunch of useless stuff, BUT,  I did two things right, I got an education with that money which allowed me to fulfill my dream of owning my own restaurant. Yes, the business failed financially but I achieved my dream, my way and don't regret one moment of it. Which lead me to filling bankruptcy and losing my home, car and self-esteem but I survived the crash and burn. THANKS BE TO MOM AND INHEIRTING HER STRENGTH...INSTEAD OF YOUR WEAKNESS DAD!!!! But thanks for the money!

My relatives gave me a place to stay in a place that I felt safe for the first time in a while and everything was going along fine, slowly rebuilding my life, then my dreams came true again by getting a job in this feild that actually paid what I was worth, that lasted three and a half years to the date, day after my birthday I got fired for no reason, other than to get me off payroll. But, I hung in and got another job and realized that I needed to get out of here. Sold what was left and hit the road, only to come back with my tail between my legs six weeks later.  But you all thought I was "silly" for doing such a thing. After a year in Asheville I was given the opportunity to live back here rent free, no utilties either. Very grateful for that! But lately I seem to be doing nothing right for all of you.

Once again I was toooo thin, looked bad, broke and now I'm working way too much for all of you. I had to change occupations beacuse of my choosen field kicking me to the curb and after three years of trying to stay in that field I finally realized I had to get out, to hell with my talent. And of course you don't accept or understand my desire to work with people with disabilities do you?  Well, I don't have money laying around to support me anymore so it's off to work in order to help make ends meet. Which, I'm making more than Asheville but have realized that I need to work three fulltime jobs just to make my bills. That's no frills or luxuries or wants, just needs and if I'm lucky maybe some food in there for good measure. Well, I finally get to a place where I can breath a tad easier and I get sick, majorly, but hey, you all predicted it didn't you? Which in turn set back even more financially, but hey, I'm doing the best that I can and it's still not good enough for you or my creditors! Now, I can't keep a clean house, my dog's hair is all over the place, but hey, I'll give up a weeks worth of groceries and fix the vacuum just so you feel better, and that's exactly what it cost to fix: a weeks worth of groceries. My cigarettes are stinking up the house, well, why did you give me permission to smoke in the house ten years ago when I first moved in? And to add salt to the wounds, you now think that I have all this money on hand from working 116 hours per work week and I'm taking advantage of you by not paying rent and then to add more insult you don't have the courage to approach me in person while you were visiting during the holidays you stew it over for three weeks and send a nasty e-mail on the day that I have emergency surgery! Give me strength. And you're upset that I never replied to your e-mail? I have learned one thing from living in the south and that's this saying "You showed your ass". Well dear family, I refused to reply because I wasn't going to stoop to your level! And now, I'm still not good enough for you by trying to take of the pool that you insisted be opened so that your mother could swim;  which I tried to explain to you that I didn't have time to take care, but as usual you don't listen and don't care. You just care about yourselves and your needs. Oh, but when I do something like gardening to ease my soul and find peace it's a waste of my money in the past, and now that I read book after book in order to escape all of my stress having so many books isn't acceptable. I use to garden and now read in order to remain and find some sort of tranquilty and especially joy in my fucking life, not grab a bottle or pill to escape my reality, but hey, what do I know?

And now, you want me to give up my own bed for your guests to stay for your mother's 90th birthday bash in October! Well, family, enough is enough! I can no longer and will no longer accept your bullshit. I will remain in the house until your return or for as long as I can tolerate your illwill, low esteem and regard of me only to help myself by allowwing me more time to pay for my car before hitting the road for good. But realize this, I have seen the light and will do it my way from now on.  I will leave this so called family behind, destroy all evidence of having any family before leaving and maybe change my name once getting settled somewhere. You will no longer have to continue your vigilance over my life and constanly remind me that whatever I do is wrong, foolish, silly or anything else.

I appreciate all of your help over the years but I have paid the price more dearly than any of you will ever know. I have begun to wonder if it's just me, am I nuts or is it some weird form of spousal abuse that I don't even realize that I'm being treated poorly, or worse, deserve to be treated badly because after fifty one years of hearing it, it must be true!?!??? Am I overly sensitive?

The only answer that I have continually returned to is that I need to be rid of you and within the past two-three years enough feelings, thoughts and yes, eventually reality has set in and allowed me the courage to see what is happening, accept it for what it is and the way it will always be and the course of action to be taken and to hell with the results. God will continue to watch over me and so will my mother and it will be for the best. You will no longer have a nephew, brother, uncle, cousin,  slave or, servant named Jon to think about. Who will you pick on once I'm gone?