i hate that the people around me …
i hate that the people around me that are worth a damn have to suffer because im trying not to hurt my wife especially …
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Panini 
7:47pm, July 28, 2009
I have so much going on in my head I dont even know where to start.
I know Im not happy with my life right now. Im 22 with 2 daughters, a troubled relationship of 3 years and a mirror full of past demons starring at me everyday. I spent my entire life building these concrete walls around my heart, making sure there were no cracks and nobody could get in. These blood stained walls are whats ruining my life. Fear of abandonment, fear of not being good enough, fear of another heart ache I dont think I could survive is what makes them stronger. But for what price am I paying? Im missing out on one of the greatest emotions. Im protecting myself from everything my mother should have, my aunt, my uncle, hell my dad. It took me 22 years to get here, and now I feel stuck. How do I undo these walls? How do I hear I love you and not jump back? I love my children, that came natural to me. I want more , I feel like a huge piece of my life is missing. I want to be able to make love and actually BE there and enjoy myself . When Danny asked me to marry him 2 years ago, I wish I could have felt the best feeling in my life, instead what did I do? I pushed him until he called it off. Now I dont even know if it could ever happen again. I might have blown my chance. I know I cant be expected to be perfect, but right now how I am and the life im living just aint cutting it for me.
My past is like a ball changed to my leg, slowing me down and causing more pain. I cant change any of the abuse. I cant make any of those people love me correctly. I know this. But everyday when I look in the mirror those demons stare right back into my soul.
I overdosed when I was 16. I couldnt take what had happened to me and gone on another day. I wanted out. I thought the life after this was better. But here I still am , a mother now, a devoted girlfriend. I feel like im not making use of my 2nd chance. I have so much I can do with myself, im not stupid, Im pretty, I have a good sense of humor.. I dont know what it is?! Im stuck in this slump.
I feel like I need to get away for a few days. If i dont Im going to go crazy , I just need somewhere to go and breathe and get my head straigh. Because this, isnt working for me.
I dont even know everything i want to say... just another ramble.
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(((Pan)))
I'm sorry you're experiencing this funk. You definitely have a lifetime full of experiences, more than most people your age, but you are still very young and have so much life and potential ahead of you. You are very pretty, very smart and very funny, and you are an amazing friend. I want and wish nothing but the best for you.
I hope you can get the break you need and figure out what it is you want out of life and be happy.
I wish you the best!
DadWithHope
Oh sweetie that was a lot for you to get out. I can relate to some of it but I am older than you being 35 now. I have wondered where my life is going to take me and will I find the right person to spend my life with, etc. I finally realized that I need to fix me and work on things in my life to let myself be happy. I hope you can learn to feel how you want and be happy soon. Just keep working and never give up and until then just focus on the wonderful blessings you have in your kids. I know we don't talk much but I'm always here if you need someone to just listen.
Mark
FutureInMind