Journal

So I wrote half of a song on my way home from Walmart. I don't write poems/songs often at all, but when I do, I usually kind of "freewrite". Not entirely, but partly and sorta. Let me put it like this. Its usually written within 3 minutes. Same with this one. I'm not a big fan of the last line, but oh well. I'm not a huge fan of the whole thing too be honest, but its decent. It goes Verse. Chorus. Initially I was just gonna write to sort out my emotions, and after writing the first line, I decided to turn it into a song. Anyway, here it is. It's called "Nothing At All".

 (Verse)

So I didn't know how to start

Lifting this boulder atop my heart

I pushed and I shoved

I pulled and I tugged

And nothing

Nothing at all

 (Chorus)

You were there

You were there all along

Without a hand to spare

You just stared, you just stared

And now that I fall

To nothing at all

You don't care

I need air, you are air.

I'm 21, but that means nothing. Im more mature and knowledgable and logical then most. Next time I hear "You are young, you have alot to learn" jeez. I haven't really opened up about much in what feels like forever. I procrastinate. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at.  So everything is just sitting there in my head, on my back, and in my heart. Starting to wear me down abit. Confused. Whats real? Where am I? Who was I? I haven't been motivated much to do anything. So many days lost. Wasted. Luckily I'm young. Still doesn't make those days, those weeks, those months I've wasted buried in excuses any less valueble. But it would be pointless to sit here and whine about that.

 I was looking at these papers from this psych evaluation I had when I was like 14, and it made me feel sad, and angry. Sad that I was so depressed and had built so many walls around myself, and mad that no one picked up on the fact that my living situation just might not be the most healthy. I was blamed. I was nuerotic. I was mentally/educationally slow for my age. I'm sure the fact that 90% of my was fueled by purely mood stabilizers and anti-depresents didn't affect my psych eval.Thats just absurd. Funny how i had a fucking IQ of 160 when I was 6 and then somehow at 14 I have an IQ of like 83. Emotional abused, not emotionally disturbed. Get it right, I mean, you spent 12 years in college for what?

I love my mom, I do. even though she was a lackluster parent, Im starting to believe she did the best she could, bc thats what we do as human beings at every living second no matter what. We do the best we can at the time with what we have and what we know.Whats wrong to you may not be wrong to another also. there really is no such thing as wrong in my opinion. Even in the most disturbing situations, wrong is only an opinion, never fact. My opinion.   No that is not an excuse. Maybe itll settle your stomach a bit.

I remember being ashamed of who i was growing up.I always tried to fit in. Wasn't till recently I started accepting myself as "different". When I waas born, my mom had the HIV Virus,I didn't get it. How? I was born vaginally by  a HIV positive woman. How am I here typing this? Theres gotta be a reason. What is the reason? What is my fate. I should be in the Afterlife with my sister. I don't have many memories of her. Its weird. I rememebr Disney World, I remember Beths wedding, but I don't rememebr her being there. She died at 8 years old. 8 fuckin years old. She faught a virus she was born with, a strong virus that was just emerging at that time, back when people thought you could get it from sitting on toilets for 8 fuckin years. Alot of times, I wish it was me. What did she do to deserve that? Id give anything for her to be able to interact with her nieces if only for a minute. Id give anything to hug her, kiss her on the forehead, and tell her how much I love her. But at the same time, Im not convinced she died in vain. Im not convinced she didnt serve her purpose If only we all had the strength she did. I dont wanna let her down. I dont wanna let Semira down, I dont wanna let Novalei down, I dont wanna let myself down. Ive thrown myself away. I hate these walls. They are killing me but at the same time they are what keep me alive. Im gonna end this awkwardly. I cant spell at 4:30 in the morn. Just ramble.

TL;DR? In a nutshell, Im a nutcase.

Lyrics.

Eat them.

"A Space To Grow" By The Dangerous Summer

Six long hours in my head, I watched people in cars.
It made me feel like I'm living, I guess it's never that hard.
Let's live outside of the city and blame the ones that I loved
for all the shit that I carried when I was never enough.

I found a cut somewhere where we could all lay.
The world was waking up and I'm learning now,
that my heart isn't breaking down; it's my world.
So pray with me, pray with me, pray with me, 'cause I'm spent.

Yeah, I spent them all.
Those long confusing hours with my mind turned on.
The world was getting louder.
I found myself on edge; my feet were over water, just a song in my head
that reminded me I'll never be alone.

I found a cut somewhere where we could all stay.
It's frank, and it's fucked but I'm learning now
that my heart isn't breaking down; It's my world.
So I'll take another look at my life and give everything
I own to all the people in my heart.
I am free, I am freezing. I am wrong.

I am so obscure it's terrible, and I'm loved,
but in between the cars they bother me.
I helped make the art that hangs on your walls
and plays in your heart; it stays in your arms.
You're not a machine, I'm sure of that.

You're every bit like me.
You gave up on your dreams
and now you're stuck with that.
You settled for the pencil days.
I'm a paint brush in a way.
I'm simple, yeah, I'm plain.
I'm colored all the same.
I have meaning if you find it in yourself.
I'll sell myself or not, like I really give a fuck
I'm just an artist on a shelf.

I'm learning now,
that my heart isn't breaking down; It's my world.
So I'll take another look at my life and give everything
I own to all the people in my heart.
I am free