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  From SST October 8

  Don't know if it's true but it is funny!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
  
  
  
  Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
  
  
  
  
  Hi Sue,
  
  Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
  
  Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
  
  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature..
  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
  
  Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
  
  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
  
  The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
  
  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
  
  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
  
  Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
  
  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
  
  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
  So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
  
  Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
  
  Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
  
  May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
  
  

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  Hug

  From SST September 9

  
  Importance of Walking
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ----- Walking can add minutes to your life.
  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
  
  
  
  My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
  Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
  
  
  The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  
  I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
  Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
  
  
  I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
  
  
  I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  
  I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  
  
  The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  
  
  If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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  From SST September 4

  After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for
  the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
  
  So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H
  
  This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
  
  So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
  
  They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
  
  Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
  They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
  
  Now there was complete panic in the oval office.
  
  They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the
  note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
  
  A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
  
  All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were
  called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
  
  After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note..
  
  Bush chuckled and replied:
  
  
  
  
  'Dude .............You're holding it upside down!'
  
  

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  Hug

  From SST August 29

  A little old lady was walking down the street dragging
  two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
  One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a
  $ 20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
  
  Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
  "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
  "Oh, really ? Darn !" said the little old lady.
  "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
  Thanks for telling me."
  
  "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
  "How did you get all that money ?
  You didn't steal it, did you ?"
  "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my
  back yard is right next to the football stadium
  parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come
  and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
  So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
  Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence,
  I grab it and say : '20 dollar or off it comes'.
  "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop.
  "OK. Good luck ! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag ?"
  "Well, you know....." "not everybody pays......."

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  Hug

  From SST August 27

  A MODERN DAY WILL ROGERS (REDNECK VERSION)
  Larry's Proverbs
  
  
  
  
  1.A day without sunshine is like night.
  2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot..
  4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..
  8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
  9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
  10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
  12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
  14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
  20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
  21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
  22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
  23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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