Journal

People  fight against depression for so long. I must only just have started my battle with it even though my life has been affected by it for years. I dont want to fight anymore. I cant fight anymore. I have battled, I have put up my bravest fight, and tortured myself to beat this evil. But I have always returned to losing. I have always lost.

This 'evil' as I called it, is part of me. Its a mistake in the way I work. Its mine and ive got to accept it.

I kind of had this thought that tomorrow I would try and do things right, and live healthily and as best as I could. I thought I'd spend this evening just being frivolous with bad habits and take the evening off and eat as much junk as I like. But I don't enjoy bingeing.. I just feel sick and I didn't really enjoy any of the food that I had fancied. To be honest, I didn't fancy it all that much as I was walking around the supermarket.. and I just bought food that I always buy, just because I wanted some junk food, and I only ate it because Im a compulsive eater and not cos I really like it. It's just habit. I don't believe I ever really did, it was just the only way I could see to cope.

But now.. Well I just want some water. I can't bebothered to worry about making up for all these calories I've eaten. I just want to get on with doing something nice like reading a book.

I can't explain it. I haven't tried to do anything about my emotional eating, but I've been getting on with life a little more recently as advised by the doctor. I've found some things I could be interested in once I get my spirits up a bit more, like reading and crafts.. And now other positive things are happening, like this. I just can't bebothered with bringing myself down anymore, its much nicer just watching a film or something..