wami's Journal

Try to assess people fairly and look inside yourself to find out where your expectations and disappointments really come from.

All of us get disappointed sometimes, but if it happens very often or if it hurts too much it might become a problem. What we don’t realize is that our expectations come from the vision that we have about ourselves, others, and the world. It is ok and actually normal to have expectations but we have to be careful with their type and degree. Here a check list of considerations for you to go over when feeling disappointed and of things you can do to feel better:

• Consider that expectations are usually based on beliefs, images and mental representations we have of things and people, without them being necessarily true or realistic. Then we don’t only assume but want that everybody else’s views and values are or should be the same. Somebody once told me that there is not such thing as common sense.” What are you talking about,? I asked. What we call common sense is only what makes sense to us, this person replied. Be open to other people’s perspectives and ways of being. Remember that nobody has the whole truth. The more open you are, the more understanding you will become.

• Try to be as objective as you can. Assess situations and appreciate people and yourself as fairly as possible. Disappointment occurs when we attribute __ a situation or person__ certain values and then "discovered” they do not have them. Subsequently, we become frustrated, hopeless, sad, depressed, bitter, or discouraged, by the fiasco we had. When feeling upset, ask yourself the following question: Was it realistic or humanly possible what I expected from than human being (including yourself) or situation? Sometimes we admire somebody so much or we are so hard on ourselves that we expect no mistake will ever happen. That is not humanly possible and therefore you will for sure be disappointed.

• Think of disappointment as a part of life. We do not have full control over the outcome of things. Stuff happens and it won’t always go our way. We know that but we still expect certain outcomes, don’t we? Apply your mindfulness skills when disappointment hits you. Acknowledge it, feel it and, seat with it. As anything else it will pass. It is just a temporary feeling. You don’t have to act on it.

• Give without expecting. I know it is easier to be said than done but you can practice it sometimes. I am not talking about sainthood here but to differentiate when you are doing things for people because you expect them to do the same or because you truly want to give or make the other person happy. It will be your choice but be aware of the possible consequences if you decide to go for the first option and then accept them. It is on you not on anybody else.

• Always try your best. A lot of the frustration that follows a failure is the big disappointment we feel towards ourselves. When we do not try hard enough, we are overcome with guilt and regret. If in whatever you do, you do your best, you'll know you did all you could and it would be easier to let it go.

• Do not take things personally. Many times we feel disappointed because we feel somebody did something to us (because of us). As much as we would like to think that we are so important and that people’s and the world react based on us, it is typically not the case. People are doing their own thing and are caught in their own lives. Whatever they do or don’t have very little to do with us and a lot with their own inner worlds. If this happens to you, I encourage you to find the evidence for that belief. You will be surprised.

• Do not put all your eggs in one basket. To avoid disappointment, it's a good practice to have more than one project happening so that when one fails you have others to look forward to.

• Learn for your mistakes. Mistakes? There is no such a thing. In life there are lessons. We have to feel the bitterness of failure to be able to savor the sweetness of success. Failures make us stronger and always, even when we cannot see it, teach us something. Try to focus on that.

• And least but not last, live an authentic life. Show your virtues and flaws and surround yourself by similar people. The more you do this, the less disappointed you and the people around you will be.