CravingHeart's Journal

I have recently found out about a medical issue that I have acquired.  It is not life-threatening and it is manageable, but uncomfortably so at times.  At first, I was devastated.  I couldn't think about anything else, I cried pools of tears.  I felt disgusting, and that now I was somehow defined by this issue.  I believed my personal life, in regards to intimate relationships, was over.  I looked at my life as a "Before" and "After." 

I still feel this way sometimes.  I feel very much alone, and I have a limited amount of people that I can share my concerns and feelings with.  I have researched and learned about the issue, and feel that I know enough about it to keep myself and others healthy and safe.  I am right now struggling with allowing myself to believe that this is NOT something that needs to define me--that I am still the same person and have the same personality as before I learned of this news.  A part of my life has been changed, but my LIFE is still the same.  I am the same person, and I am no less of a person.  I need to start believing this on a day-to-day basis.

I am also dealing with a moral issue, and this is not something I am proud of whatsoever.  I have read up on ways to tell a partner of my issue, but I could not bring myself to follow through.  I felt embarassed and ashamed of myself.  It is a newer relationship, and we both were caught up in the moment and things happened.  I wanted to let him know of the risks, but I didn't.  I feel guilty.  I feel even more ashamed of myself than I did before.  He should have been given the chance to choose, and I didn't give him that.

Now what do I do?