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jacqsw 
I have thought to myself many times 'how would I feel if my husband had died rather than left me' and my answer right now is that I would feel better than I do now. I would feel better because I'd know that he hadn't left me for somebody else, he left because he didn't have a choice. He wouldn't be enjoying his easy uncomplicated life with no responsibilities. And I wouldn't be consumed with this feeling of hate for what he's done and for 'her'.
I feel like I've been used up and cast away. Left behind to take care of the children and to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts too.
It hurts me that he can't take responsibility for this situation and for how we are feeling. He chose to promise us all a good life and gave us thing to look forward to, I hadn't had anyting to look forward to for so long, and then he chose to walk away and take all those promises with him.
It's not just me who's shattered by this. He left them too and now he's living with somebody elses child. It's somebody elses child he sees every mornin and every bed time, not his own. It's somebody elses child who has him there to look after him, not his own. It's somebody elses child that he sits down at the dinner table with every evening wih, not his own. That hurts me so much and I know it hurts them because I've been the child that was abandoned and my place was taken by anther.
My daughter made a comment to him about it and my other daughter would not give him a kiss and he shouted at me for turning them against him. I've never said a bad word to the children about him and I try to do my grieving in private - although I am so hurt, so sad, so devestated by what he as done that it just comes out without warning sometimes.
I'm not a hateful person but I hate them so much for doing this to me and my children. I hate him for so easily being able to walk away from the people who love him most. I hate him for breaking all those promises he made to give me a better life. I hate 'her' for taking him when she should have left him with his family. I hate her for living. I hate them both for the pain, the lonliness, the emptiness and the sadness that me and my childrenare now suffering.
This evening I got upset, my mind isn't working and I just get upset so easily, he got so cross with me and told me that I needed to 'snap out of it'. He said that I didn't feel any better because I didn't want to feel better. How can he possibly think that I want to feel this way. I detest feeling this way. He called me pathetic for saying that I just wanted to die so the hurting would stop. He shouted at me that I needed to be sectioned. He doesn't understand that I am so fragile that I break at the slightest thing.
I feel that I've had all of the spark knocked out of me. I feel so empty and I just want some release from this sadness. I am totally devestated by this and I don't think that I'll ever be able to recover. I'm so tired.
Comments
Hey jac been their thought the same thoughts and had the same feelings really I have! Your husband has been thoughtless and cruel but you have so much to live for your life is not over your young and to see your kids grow up and be happy should be enough stop feeling sorry for yourself stand up and shout if you have to let the anger go I have read your journals and feel for you as someone who has been betrayed by the one I loved also I do understand the feeling of helplessnes you said I made sense well listen and stop this I could shake you really It's hard but your the adult! I am not defending his actions but he is free to do what he wants with his life it's his choice love is a gift you choose to give every day you know that!! Take care hope your pain eases soon!
mrhoppy22
hi jac i went thru the same thing execpt i was wishing her to be dead.it hurts when your left for somebody else the feeling that i am not good enough for you is a bad one.hang in there it will pass.you have to start thinking that i dont want him back for making me feel this way.its his loss ,he lost his children when he left.i am sure he calcaulated his loses before he left.the kids will draw there own thought about him.put a smile go outside and dance with your kids there the one thing that you can't leave day by day it will get better.time heals took me almost three years to get over it and i still think at times why me.it was her choice not mine and the same apply to you it was his choice.marrage should be for life.but today it should come with a five year warranty.to many people dont respect one another any more maybe thats the proublem you never will know the truth about it only his side so try a little smile for your kids today and a bigger one the next day bye bob
bobbyf
I'm sorry that you're hurting and especially that on top of his betraying you, he's saying such hurtful blaming things!
Begin07
dearest Jac, I'm praying for you right now because from what you wrote in your journal, I believe your strong grief, pain and rawness is not uncommon. I go through it every few days. It's been over 3 months that my husband left. May you be comforted in knowing that so many are experiencing similar pain, and coming out on the other side (well, it's cyclical too I think). I have never ever been one to say that I would want to see a counselor or believe support groups could help me, until he left. I have become incredibly needy and drinking EVERYTHING in (then I get apathetic and often give into my numbness/shock by distractions--sometimes negative ones). It's scary, but I just wanted to say (for you and for me as I need constant reminding), I pray for us tonight. Blessings. S.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God... Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God who raises the dead... On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corinthians Chpt 1.
Even if you don't know Jesus, he knows you, and I pray that even that slight hope will be of comfort. Blessings.
RedeemedInMA
im so sorry you are hurting right now, i wish there was something i could say to make things easier or happier but the only person who will be able to do something about your feelings is you, you are stronger than you think and you are doing everything you can to keep going and that shows strength, Time does heal, i feel abandonned by my dad he left my mum 2 years ago and i went from being daddy's little girl to his eldest daughter, whats makes things wrose if that she has a daughter the same age as me and she has just strated to call him dad! and he lets her. it hurts like mad, keep going, never lose faith. Here for you xx
Ra78
i felt the same way about my ex...i wished he had just died so i could really be done with it all and he wouldn't be with that woman...i so understand..(((((hugs)))))love, Nita
NitaSue62
I can not understand how you feel about him leaving, as my husband chose to stay, but I certainly understand thinking if he had died it would be easier. It wouldn't have been his choice to betray or leave you. My older children were devastated by what their father had done, they lost some of the respect they had for him because of it. It's been almost a year since all this happened and we are all still healing. I do know that the anger will get less and less and more manageable, but I'm not sure if or when it completely goes away. I also know that looking at him everyday and picturing him with another woman is extremely difficult, I still have days when I want to just smack him.
People keep telling me that things happen for a reason, that made me so angry at first, but it may just be true. I know my new little girl has brought some unexpected joy into my life which is a bit of a blessing at this time.
As for your husband telling you how you should feel? Well that isn't up to him, that is up to you; you have to do what you have to do to heal, and if that is crying then so be it. Just worry about you and your kids and do what you need to to be safe and sane. Hugs!!
Silverstix