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lucilu 
8:40am, November 5, 2009
I don't even know where to start with all i've been thinking about, perhaps when I put it all down here it may start making some sense or put some sort of order to all the conflict and thoughts in mind.
I have been morphing lately. Changing. I'm spending a lot of time thinking but while I'm doing that I'm keeping busy so my body keeps up with my brain. What have I been thinking..??....lol...
Mostly about how i've wasted most of my life wanting and needing love and being co-dependant through that. I've come to a lot of conclusions. First thing is that i will never be in love again, or love in that romatic, intimately insecure way. That to me is merely a fairytale. We are lied to from birth by all around that we need someone to love us to feel valued. Now, please note this. I am not saying that anyone who loves or feels deep feelings for someone is not real, i'm just saying that i will not give my love to anyone, anymore, ever again. I recently came to view love as co-dependency. That feeling of being soul mates to me is a dependency on another person to make oneself feel happy. I seached for that happiness through other people most of my life and through men who were no good for me, who only served to make me feel more insecure and vulnerable. I was only happy when i was with someone who i loved. It was a dream. I was so wrapped up in my own little world of make believe where i wanted everything to be perfect. Giving all that love got me nothing but abuse. It got me treated like a piece of shit. No one deserves all that love from me. I couldn't see that through my addiction and obsession of being in a relationship. When i fell in love i became addicted to that feeling to that person and sense of euphoria that it gave me..i thought i could never live without it. Many times i was going to take my own life rather than loose the object of my obsession. Do you know how hard it is to live with someone who is so obsessive of another person........i will tell you....it is mega hard.
When i didn't get the love i craved i threw tantrums and i also when i was alone self injured. I went into violent rages because i could not control the person who i was with. I had lots of jealous rages about everything even if my partner looked at anyone who i thought was attractive. I was in a vicious cycle of hate. It wasn't love. It was a hatred of myself and needing someone to fill me up...like a drug.
The funny thing......i still think no one deserves my love......lol......that is the most hilarious thing of all. The good thing....i now know and understand the difference between love and obsession.
I now know how to be more at peace with myself and feel valued when i'm alone. Infact i've come to really love being alone and having my own company most of the time. I didn't realise at the time that when i was with the person who made me feel good..it was just an illusion that i had created. That is why i felt lonely.
i don't need nor want to live in that blank void anymore. It was like death. I was my own prisioner. I am free and it feels so good. I will keep being kind to myself and care for others....i'll use the word love, luv.......but most of the time it is just an expression of really liking someone.
I see how i believe it really is now. You are born, have sex, and die. Love is something completely different to me. I believe love is the time when we are near or in death and we finally get to feel peace and be at one with the universe. We can only ever be let down by another person because we are all human and we let people down ourselves. For me, there is just sex and death.
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Have a body like Madonna
Progress 10%
Encouragements: 3
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before you pop of can you send me some nekky pics?
jhenson277
Its good that you love to be alone with your self .Im like that..You are finding comfort in the person YOU are.I have allways loved the honesty in your writing .Hey ..you know one day I will die to and then we will have to share the universe together ..(((LOVE)))
bigriver
So much hurt and sorrow in this .. it makes me cry .. to think that you have given your heart to those who did not deserve your love .. We can love .. and still stand on our own .. I know this .. for .. I'm in love .. with someone who also understands and who knows what love is .. I pray .. that .. one day .. after your heart has healed .. that you may see it .. or better yet .. experience it .. Please .. continue to be strong .. for .. the person that you are .. she deserves so much better treatment than she has gotten so far .. so .. now .. it's self-nurture time .. yeah .. it's not easy either .. difficult lessons .. that I have learned .. I want you to know that you are treasured .. for who you are .. by this friend anyway .. and .. yes .. I love you .. Ray
Raynow
Luci,
I know how dreadful love can feel, the best and worse feeling in the world. If you give good love, and it sounds like you do, don't let all the people that didn't deserve your love from your past stop you from cherishing someone that just might deserve all that you are. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all(Shakespeare). I know the pain is real, sometimes too real. People are left indelibly scarred from losing love all the time, but this makes you appreciate later . You might think I am foolish, but I know that some day I will be with the "ONE" and I will not let the jerks of my past take away from lavishing every affection possible on that special woman. There is always hope. You deserve that love, that same love that you want to give. Don't let others icompetance hinder your capabilities, your better than that. Anyway, I hope the best for you.
your friend,
Jared :)
mynameisJARED
..Thanks guys......fuck relationships, fuck sex, fuck it all. How weak are we all really that we need to have the acceptance of other people to feel good about ourselves. No more for me. I ain't taking anymore bullshit. People are all just as bad as eachother reguardless of sexual gender. We all sell ourselves short because of sexual desires..we sell orselves out to the fucking crap we say to other people to get into their fucking trousers. I would rather fuck myself any day of the week than let another liar or pretender come next to me again and share what can be a very beautiful thing. It's people who make sex uguly with their perverted little thoughts and feelings.......a fuck is a fuck is a fuck........but now all you fuckers who fuck animals or kids...in the name of sex and love...how do you live with yourself...how do you look your victims in the eye.....how do you look at yourself in the mirror. And you use the name of sex and love to perpetuate your crimes of lust..........you are weak and sick...and a bully of the worst kind. And you say all this in the name of sex and love......it is power and corruption that you speak of......hatred of yourself......how can you twist your words so fiercely and yet when it comes to speaking the truth you speak the greatest fucking bullshit. Your life is a lie....
lucilu
sexy, and sophisticated... my kinda girl
adub2000
Too often relationships are like tattoos.
Look at this new tattoo!!! My fucking soul shines through this! This is a masterpiece!
6 months later ...
Fuck this -- time for another tattoo!
Och! Remember what the Buddha said about grasping!
JustAndrew
The only true joy comes from within. Unfortunately, many people don't look within because they are afraid of what they may see. They are frightened that what is inside may be the same as what is outside. So they seek joy in others, in sex, in lopsided and abusive relationships, in work, in money, in possessions, and in religion. And all they need to do is to peer through the filthy and perverted layers life has wrapped around them to see the beautiful and loving soul at their core, the soul that they truly are.
lovesthefeel
LuCi, you know it... You have to love thyself before being able to love
ANYBODY ELSE...
All I can say here...
Bikeman