Journal

Next Saturday,August 22,marks the beginning of Ramadan,the Muslim holy month of prayer and fasting.Mubeen has told me he won't be on the Net much during that month,because he doesn't want to be tempted by me.Sometimes I think the sexual attraction is all that is keeping me attached to him.As you can see in this journal,I have many doubts.I don't think my "love" will survive a month of no contact;I certainly don't think I'll want to risk my life and spend a lot of money going to Pakistan after that.To me,the thing that perpetuates the relationship is the love letters I've sent him.I've shared my sexual desires and fantasies with him,and he has responded.But that can't sustain a relationship or a marriage.I'm old enough to have had strong sexual desires for other men,Gerhard in particular.The relationship didn't last because he was an abuser.What do I really know about Mubeen?

My therapist,Melissa,has helped me eliminate a lot of the guilt I would ordinarily feel for being a fortysomething woman at the peak of her sexuality.To me,Mubeen is a hypocrite on top of everything else.Part of me knows that I have to do something to get out of this relationship,even if it means changing my cell number and telling Shirley about the whole affair.But right now,I can't bring myself to do that because I'm afraid of Shirley.Yet Jesus died so I wouldn't have to be afraid of anyone or anything.What do I do now?