joylei's Journal

My emotions are out of control and I know it's just going to get worse.  Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my mother's death.  The day she was taken off life support and I watched her struggle to breathe.  She died at only 54 years old.  In ten days my parents anniversary will be here again, along with her birthday 2 weeks later and the worst - Mother's Day.  This time of day is SO difficult.  I feel so alone. I'm the only one in my family who doesn't have anyone to turn to for support.  I try to talk to friends but the reality is that even if they actually listened - they don't really understand what it's like to watch your mother die.  The guilt involved is crushing.  There are so many things I wish I could have said or done differently.  I wish I could have done just one thing in my life that she would have been proud of.

The worst thing I think is that within 12 hours of her "not feeling well" she was put into an induced coma and on life support.  It wasn't an emergency to  intubate her and I wish they had waited until I got there so I could have just talked to her one more time. To see her looking at me, knowing she could hear me.  I didn't know it was going to happen so I took my neice who was 2 at the time to feed her breakfast and when we returned I never got to talk to or see my mother awake again.  I didn't get to talk to her prior to that because she was asleep, which is why I thought it would be a good time to go.  If I could just tell people that the most important thing is to tell people how much they mean to you, because you just may spend the rest of your life regretting the little things so much.

I'm hoping to go to the cemetary tomorrow.  The one thing I did right for my mother is buying her her headstone.  It took me over a year to save for it.  It's beautiful black granite, saying "Always in our hearts and often on our minds" (a lyric from some song my brother liked). The bottom says "And grace will lead you home" (from Amazing Grace) In my mind it was the last gift I ever bought her.  Unfortunatly even though I've asked several family members I highly doubt anyone will take me.   It's about 6 miles one way which isn't far but I don't think I can walk 12 miles.  I can't let the day pass without being there though.  Even though I know it's more for me than her.

The lonliness is amazing.  I lost my best friend shortly after my mother and I've never gotten close to anyone else.  Somedays I would give anything to have someone to just be there when I need them.  I'm not as strong as I would love to be.  The pain never gets easier, especially this time of year.  I just want to sleep until June most days.  I don't want to deal with the rest of the world.

On a similar note, I found a song that describes how I feel right now and I've been listening to it repeatedly.  The lyrics are very powerful.  Funny how something as simple as music helps. 

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Casting+Crowns/track/Set+Me+Free

If you've read this, thanks for listening to me.  I really need it right now.