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joylei
Female, 31, NY
"Not ignoring all my wonderful friends here, just spending all my time at work lately!"
9:38pm Sunday
Journal Entry for October 4, 2009 Mood
Sunday, October 4, 2009 | A Painful story

Why is it the people who are supposed to love you, cause more hurt than anything else?  Why does it seem when you truly think you're at your lowest point, somebody will prove you wrong and kick you lower?

 

My whole life I've been unloved and unwanted.  The pain from that is worse than any physical pain imaginable.  What is it about me that makes me this way?  What's wrong with me?  I feel guilty just for needing someone to listen to me, but I need help.  Nobody can fix it or change it for me though.  I just need help.  I don't know how but I feel like screaming that.  I can't do it alone anymore.

 

I thought writing a journal would help, but I can't even bring myself to go any further.  I'm literally sick from the hurt and anger.  I was the best person I knew how to be.  I did everything to make him happy and I'm being tossed aside and expected to understand.  Not like this, I can't understand this.  I never trusted anybody before in my entire life and apparently for good reason.  It seems that people in real life only care when it benefits them.  Who cares who you hurt along the way?

 

Thank you to the few DS friends that listen to me.  I can't survive without you and you mean so much to me.  It's nice to know someone thinks of you sometimes.

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Comments

  1. boomer67

    Joy, not everyone is so callused. Keep being the best that you can and things will turn.


    boomer67

  2. Sossified

    Coming from a person who has been there...the hurt and anger eventually subside so you can function. It took me about two months and some great friends but I did it. You will survive this but not alone, feel free to talk to me anytime you want. I am around quite a bit!!


    Sossified

  3. markat425

    Joy,,, You're a wonderful, beautiful person.... The RIGHT person will see that, sooon , I'm sure. Hang in there..... In the meantime we're all here for you...


    Mark


    markat425

  4. bipolarfolse

    yes family ppl hurt u like my mom last night. she berated me. even implied i was doing drugs. well i hope your mood can improve. we all luv u!!!!!!


    bipolarfolse

  5. joylei

    Thanks guys, I just thought the problem was on it's way to being fixed and instead it blew up in my face in the worst way and I came out the only loser in a game I didn't want to play.


    joylei

  6. joblessinmi

    tell us what you want us to do and we'll do it. we are here for you.


    joblessinmi

  7. markat425

    You know Joy,,, many times the person who at first appears to have lost,,,,, many times they turn out to be the winner..... Time will tell if I'm right.... Think about it......

    Mark


    markat425

  8. voodooguru

    i think you're brave to be so honest. thanks.
    we have walked similar paths, i think.


    voodooguru

  9. asadheart

    Sounds like you're deeply hurt and depressed. I can relate. Life can be so cold and cruel! Seems that every single time I open my heart it gets stomped on.


    asadheart

Journal Entry for September 13, 2009 Mood
Sunday, September 13, 2009 | A Sad story

Isn't it funny how I can deal with hundreds of people in a day and not one of them ever have the slightest idea that I feel like I'm dying inside.  That insomnia and depression are slowly killing me and I'm powerless to stop it.  That the only person I can never fool with my fake happy face is myself.  My whole life I've been the one who rarely complained, who wanted to help other people.  Why is it that I can never ask for the help I truly need?  Who could even help me anyway?  Who can take away a lifetime of hurt and anger and lonliness?  Who can tell me how to forgive and let go?  Who even cares?

One person in my life has ever seen beneath the fake smile I wear everyday.  He knows my deepest secrets and together we're helping each other with the hurt.  Rather, I feel I'm doing nothing but taking when he might need help too.  I feel like I'm drowning in the pain and even the one person in my life who knows the pain, is just being pulled down with me.  I was stupid though, I fell in love with him.  He doesn't love me though, not the way I love him.  If not for him though, I wouldn't have made it this far.  I would have given up and given in to taking the easy way out.  I'm afraid if I show him the "real me" all the time, he'll get scared away and not even be my friend anymore.  I know he would never do that intentionally, but I can't take the risk.

The smile is fake, the pain is so unbelivebly real.  There's nothing I can do to let it go and live like a normal person.  I can't hide it, I can't outrun it.

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Comments

  1. boomer67

    sorry to hear that your in so much pain. you need to tell others how you feel. they will not be able to see through your facade. you are in my prayers.


    boomer67

  2. markat425

    Oh Joy! ? You're right,,,, I had no idea you were in so much pain. Let us help you,,,, Please.....


    markat425

  3. Nytwolf

    We are all here for each other... that means we are here for you as well. No one can "take the pain away" although we may be able to ease it for you. The purpose of sharing with someone is to have help in carrying the heavy burden you are carrying by yourself now. The 'easy way out' is always tempting but you have to think past the pain- at all the things you'll miss if you leave this world for whatever waits beyond. So many of us care for you- you are not alone.


    Nytwolf

  4. joylei

    Thank you guys, I really mean it. Sometimes being alone is the hardest part of all, but I know you guys will always be here to listen. It has to get better soon, I know it. It's just too hard right now.


    joylei

  5. joylei

    He tossed me to the curb. He doesn't want me anymore. I knew it would come one day, I just didn't know it was going to be now. He still wants to be friends of course, but apparently would like to start screwing my friend soon. (when we agreed on complete honesty I never imagined this). He was the only person in my entire life to ever give a damn or even tell me he loved me...ever. And he doesn't want me. I wish I knew why. I'm sick of the rejection, literally. What's wrong with me that no one in my life has ever wanted me? How am I so bad? It hurts more than I thought it would. I was even sent home from work because I looked so terrible. I can't take anything else.


    joylei

  6. DAREDUDE

    there is nothing the matter with you, if anything there is something messed up with him.


    DAREDUDE

  7. asadheart

    Sounds like you're terribly depressed. Therapy can help. I too suffer from grief, especially since Mom,my best friend,died. Exercise and meditation work wonders too! Good Luck.


    asadheart

Please read - Life's Lessons Mood
Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I stole most of this, but it's all true. 

 


We use whole paragraphs to say just what saying nothing could have spoken better.

"Learn from your yesterdays but leave them behind. The guarantee for finding sanity again is finding love again and giving over to the new love that one facet of yourself that you held back the last time."

 

I've learned the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
I've learned that love DOESN’T mean Leaning and Company DOESN’T mean Security.
I've learned that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.
I've learned to accept my defeats with my head up and my eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
I've learned to build all my roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
I've learned that even sunshine burns if I get too much

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that blowing out someone else's candle will not make your flame shine any brighter.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't anymore.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that I'm still learning and always will.

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Comments

  1. Bikeman

    You learn some EVERY Day.


    Bikeman


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