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e4now 
Its 733am ive been up since 418am i dont know what to do i just feel so depressed and i have no reason to be my hubby just bought us a place on 5 acres in liberty lake i should be exstatic but inside im dying with grief sad to be alive im afraid of everything from the upcoming snow to putting in a small wood burning stove im afraid to ride in cars i just want to cut all the time to make the pain go away...i hear voices all the time telling me i should hurt myself im such a mess ...i care for my hubby so much i dont want to keep hurting him with all of my depression i just think it would be best if i could just sleep and not wake up the wind here has died down and the power didnt go out thank goodness im trying to convince myself to have a good day without cutting but its not working why am i so depressed i have everything i need but i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep and not wake up...its hard to get out of bed today knowing that im alive again just kills me makes me want to cut its 742am right now hubby is still sleep i am going to the bathroom and cut before he wakes up then ill start coffee and try to have a nice day with hubby....i dont know how long i can keep up this charade...fine on the outside devastated on the inside im tired of trying ....no therepy today the whole mondays term has been cancelled, the instructor is in michigan taking care of her sick elderly parents im going to finish this cigarette then go cut i need to badly.its 811am I just started coffee after I cut 4 times brushed my teeth and wet my hair….i feel a little better now I just need to hide my scars again from hubby….i don’t need to but I don’t want to hurt his feelings hes so great and im just bringing him down well that’s how I feel…welp….hubbys up his office phone is ringing off the hook today I need to take my meds…are they working???? Must check the bathroom for blood b4 hubby brushes his teeth…too late I hear his toothbrush I hope I didn’t leave a mess…I hope I put my razors away…I did I always do I shouldn’t worry I know I keep it clean….hubby came out didn’t say anything so all is good…i hate myself for what im doing....i need help
