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its 658am i woke up at 5...had dreams about my kids again...i always feel so depressed when i think about them....not having them...nothing planned for today just relaxing it raining and windy im scared the power may go out so far so good....i called my freind last night it was so good hearing her voice...i hear hubby stirring i just started the dish washer so i hope he doesnt want coffee yet ...i sliced my wrist yesterday because i was having an anxiety attack about going to the direct buy seminar....hubby got swamped with work so we didnt go so now i feel guilty for cutting ...im trying to stay positive but inside im being pulled in so many directions....i need to relax....i need to be ok i dont want to hurt my hubby by killing myself hes the one keeping me alive so now im feeling resentful towards him i want to push him away but i cant he just loves me so much i dont want to hurt him in that way...i know i crush him everytime i cut but i cant help it i need to cut it helps me feel something other than sadness and depression but afterwards i feel worse so i dont know wat to do with myself...dying just sounds easier than dealing with all these terrible emotions and panic and anxiety i feel....im going to try to smile today and not be so down.....it wont be easy since im freaking out about the upcoming snow...im such a mess i hate myself so much
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isn't it a shame how horrible we feel? i suffer you know from agpprphobia, anxiety, bad nerves, and depression over it. my husband couldn't care less. he just don't understand. even though i don't get the urge to cut, its not your fault. we didn't ask for this horrible life. please don't hate yourself. this is my life, bed, computer, bed, watch t.v., bed. oh and eat. all in my room. but we are not alone. i wish they would come up with something to help us all. i have a chemical inbalance, have you ever asked your doctor if you had one? i feel so bad for you. please don't worry about the snow. God Bless You and give you a miricle that you feel better. love, ronna
ronna