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e4now 
its 954am i just shoveled snow with hubby i didnt sleep too well had dreams of missing the #74 bus i was up at 415am...snowing my tummy is in knots our driveway u cant see it im so scared but at least we dont have to go anywhere hubby is in the kitchen now preping his stew for the crock pot....i cant let him see me afraid it is beautiful when u are safe indoors but tomorrow i need to go to IOP to register for the new term....im scared to ride the big bus in this mess im afraid to walk from the plaza to spokane mental health....what if the sidewalks arent shoveled what if i fall....i want a cast but ill pronbably only get bruised...i need to get a grip its only frozen water i need to get my game face on and pretend that im ok....ok im a big chicken....i want bad things to happen to me so what if we go into a ditch but then hubby will be the one to get a broken leg or worse killed and i survive....i would kill myself if that happened its only me that i want hurt no body else time for sum football....the mask is on the urge to cut is strong....im in panic mode i need to go eat so i can take my meds im going to call first call for help i need to cut im scared of myself
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its 904am hubby n i are drinking coffee together i told him about my dreams crazy dreams...hubby took out stew meat for dinner tomorrow i was proud of that were having tv dinners tonight i feel good i feel great let the snow come im not afraid right this moment this is me Amanda
its 352pm hubby n i just got in....my dr increased my meds and put me on a daily ritual of monitoring my pee ...shes worried about my prolactin levels in my blood so she re tested me she'll call me with the results herself...if its still high shes going to order a CT scan of the pituitary gland in my brain if theres a lump on it we;ll go from there...i put up moms xmas lights she knows i hate the holidays but i had to get on the ladder cuz she recently had back surgery....i dont celebrate any holidays not even birthdays....not for religeus reasons cuz im not religeous how ever u spell it...i feel a lil antsy and nervous about my prolactin level...i hope i dont need a ct scan...who am i kidding i want to have something wrong with me i wanna have to go to the hospital ....i want bad things to happen to me i deserve it i hate myself
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i got left out of $35 at the plasma place. i made the mistake of mentioning my stomach ache. i'm gonna try to go tuesday. i really need a flea comb for my dog. well hope u feel better. take care.
bipolarfolse