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archangels 
Today was the first time that i really truely saw my mother suffering,she is so consumed with pain that she can,t even tolirate anyone touching her,the doctor,s called me my nan and my dad into a room to tell us how mum is doing [more like isn,t!] we went into the room then straight away he told us that we should have got mum to the hospital straight away when she stopped taking her medicines,we then explained that if we,d known we would have done so! he then told us mum,s liver enzimes are not right and her blood pressure goes from very low to very high,they think there is another medical problem that is going on but there not sure what it is,my nan told em,well if you,d have done you,re job properly then maybe she wouldn,t be in this bloody state would she! the pain doctor was there and i really felt like smacking him in the mouth! but i promised my nan i wouldn,t hurt him but if he promises mum anything else he can bloody well keep away from me,cuz as far as i,m concerned he,s nothing but a liar and a quack! mum is now awake but still pretty drugged up,she shouts out when the nurses have to help her out of bed she cry,s with the pain and nhopefully next week we,ll know what this dammed lump is in her guts!
My old man came up just after we,d finished talking to mum,s doctor,s i asked him what he wanted? he told me i still love your mum and i don,t wanna see her suffering like this,HA! what a load of crap! i looked him straight in the eye,s and told him,if you truly loved mum then maybe just maybe she,d had the pump in now,but nooooo you had to delibratly tell the pain shrink that you thought mum,s pain was in her head! you and i know how many many times we have sat up with her when he pain has been so bad that she was going crazy,but nooooo you had to f--- it up didn,t you! you told that woman that mum,s not as bad as she thinks she is! and for that i will never ever forgive you for basically screawing it all up and i mean it!
Well i,ve just had to leave the hospital mum is in a really bad way she asked me to please take her morphine from the cupboard and take it all up to her tomorrow ,when i asked why? she told me,son i can,t do this anymore i want to go i can,t live the rest of my life like this,i have really had enough,i am shocked and i can,t imagine the pain my mum is in but i can,t help her to kill herself,she told me you won,t have to do anything just bring it up,i can,t i hate seeing her in so much pain but i cannot help my mum to end her life,i feel so bloody lonely right now that i wish i had stayed with my nan tonight but i can,t cuz i gotta be on call-out all weekend, i hope you can all understand my mum,s situation and any kind of advice would be appreicated callum
