archangels's Journal

Hi folk,s i,m afraid my mum is still very very down,i sat with her last night we had a good talk about why she is so down,i explained to her that it worry,s me seeing her so unhappy i know it bothers her about her teeth and like i told her within a few week,s she hopefully will have some dentures,i also told her when she,s home i hear her crying and begging god to take her,i told her it makes me cry to hear her so desperate she told me every single time she goes to bed she prays that she won,t wake up cuz her pain is so bad that she feel,s like she,s stuck in a vicious circle of taking her pain meds and being in pain,i asked her what is her pain like? she said it,s like having a knawring ache but with a hot poker going in and out of her body she told me i wish i could just have 24 hours without it that way i would sleep better and i,d be alot stronger,she also explained that she hates going in and out of hospital and it upsets her that she has to be sedated to give her body a rest,she hates being put to sleep anyway,i tried to tell her isn,t it better that they put you to sleep and give your body a rest? she agreed then she told me what i already knew,she is so very desperate for this pump,to be honest she would do anything right now to get this pump,she then admitted [which i found out anyway] she has on several time gone to the very people she hates drug dealers,i was very shocked when i found out i asked her why she did that knowing that she despise,s drug dealers? she explained that her pain gets so unbearable that she would try anything even heroin! this really upset me,she then said,callum when your like this and no one seem,s to be doing anything except giving you empty promise,s then you get so desperate that you,ll do anything,my mum brought me up well she always told me,just remember son you don,t need a drug to give you a high just look at what you,ve got and you,ll have your own high knowing you don,t need illegal drugs or booze just look at the television and see those poor children suffering in third world country,s and thank your lucky star,s that not only do you have a nice warm bed but also food in your guts and money in your pockets,whenever i have been offered drugs from friends or even people i don,t know i let them know that i think more of myself and i don,t need drugs to make me happy!and yes they still try but i never give in.

I have sat and wrote a letter myself to my mum,s pain doctor and i really hope it help,s him to help my mum,i haven,t told my mum cuz i really think she wouldn,t be happy with me i just think it might help her case.

Well here,s mum,s hit today she has seen the consultant today who is dealing with her cancer and so far so good,he told me that mum is responding well to her radiotheraphy and they measure mum,s lump in her gut,s she,s having her endoscopy soon and hopfully that will come back ok i hope so anyway apart from mum being on a downer i,m doing my best to keep being positive and i,m hoping her luck will change i just want her home nagging at me!!! yes i know!!!! but at least if she nagging me she,s feeling a bit better so folks i will try to keep you updated i hope you are all ok callum x