archangels's Journal

After my rant this morning i sat and cried,i cried for the person i once was and i cried cuz i didn,t have anyone to talk to,at time,s i feel so lonely and this dammed pain really doesn,t help either,i keep trying to get the doctor,s to lisen to me but they don,t and then my frustration set,s in and i shout scream and yell at god to leave me alone,i am literally at the end of my journey and quest to get this pump fitted,all i want to do is to live life and to enjoy my life and help other,s,but right now i feel everything and everyone is against me,i know i sound pathetic but i can,t help at the minute,i so just want to be happy,i know my pain will always be there,but i feel really upset that the one doctor i thought i could trust has let me down,i have gone here there and everywhere for him,to justify my need for this pump,when at last someone is willing to help me,my so called friendly pain doctor suddenly tell,s me oh sorry! i can,t help you on that score,so i guess you,d be right in assuming that i,m more than a little frustrated,so i shout and scream to god to go and pick on someone else,and yes i say nasty things to him but what else am i suppost to do? all i want is help in controlling my pain is that really such a sin?

I keep going because i saw the hell my sister went all through her 14yrs of life and it made me determind not to sit on my butt and feel sorry for myself,yet now the very time i need someone to help there,s no one and i,m stuck in a vicious cycle,a merrygoround with nowhere else to go,all i ask is for help yet all i seem to get is door,s slammed in my face,i am due to see my g.p this afternoon and i am going to be completely honest with him that if no one is preperd to help me then i,m not prepared to help them,yes it,s childish but what would you do in my shoes? i simply cannot put up with anymore rejection from the very people who should be helping me! how would you feel if you were in my shoe,s? how would you like to live with me? my poor son is ill and my husband and son are getting the brunt of my frustration at this hell i,m living in,so there you have it all neatly tied up in a tiny bundle,have i looked up and said sorry to god? well not yet because my feelings are all over the place.