DoorMatt's Journal

So I'm back at school again.  I'm only taking one class this semester.  I decided I just need to focus on a subject I know I can get an A in, so I can bring up my GPA.  So I'll be doing voice classes.  I love to sing, so I figure this would be an easy A.  Next semester I'll do a class I hate.  Probably math. 

Life continues without my dad.  It's so weird.  I was thinking about some of the times my dad went out of his way to make sure that I KNEW that he was okay with me being gay.  I remember a few times it made me really uncomfortable.  He would ask me about my sex life, and if I was using condoms or not and other stuff like that - stuff I would never talk to my parents about anyway.

But I realize now that he was just being the best dad that he knew how to be.  He wanted me to know that I could come to him with any problems I had, and not be scared or feel uncomfortable.

I can actually go to school now, though, and not worry about things that my dad might be doing while he's alone.  I used to have to stay home and babysit him.  After he got MRSA, his mind started to faulter, and he would do things absent mindedly, like cooking things, then falling asleep and leaving the stove on with stuff burning on top.  He'd sometimes leave water running in the sink, or let the dogs out in the bitter cold and forget to let them back in.

So all these things I don't have to worry about anymore.  I also don't have to worry about his health.  Like if his heart was ok, or if the MRSA would take control in another part of his body again... he had so many health problems. 

He and I used to fight alot, and I purposely withheld my medical condition from him, partly because I was afraid he might tell someone else without realizing that I didn't want everyone to know, and partly because I didn't want to give him more things to worry about.  But after a while, he put two and two together, and asked me if I had AIDS.  I told him I was HIV positive, and that I might have AIDS.  After that day, we never fought again.  We sort of saw eye-to-eye as far as medical conditions go, and how it can take a serious toll on your life.

I think my dad knew I was positive for about six months before he died.  It's so interesting that it took only a month or so for our relationship to change from bitter father-son relationship to best friends. 

Wow.  I think this is the longest journal entry I've written thus far.  Kudos to anyone who reads the whole thing :)  This is good therapy.