DoorMatt's Journal

Well, it's been a long time since I've written last.   Since then, my HIV count has gone up, my T-cell count has dropped, and my dad died.  Nuff said.

I am so depressed it's ridiculous. I keep having these little bouts of happiness, but they're pretty much forced. Sometimes I'll try and make jokes, or I'll post some frivilous topic, like finding homonyms for the word fabulous, weird funny stuff that would usually cheer me up.  I feel happy or at least a little amused for the better part of ten minutes or so.

I feel like I killed my dad. I let him sleep too long.  I should have woken him up from his nap.  There was this little voice in the back of my mind saying, "go wake him up. Go wake him up" but I ignored it.  Another part of me just told the voice to shut up because I knew my dad was ok. He couldn't die. He was going to be an old man.

I always just assumed because of my disease that I would die before my dad. Sometimes I wished with all my heart that I would die before my dad.  A part of me is a little mad at Dad for dying first.