bluevibe's Journal

Hello,

I hope that you can forgive me and I can forgive myself, for being out of the loop for a while.  I had a few really bad days, and didn't even want to communicate, which is when I know it is really bad.  I just wanted to binge.  I binged for about 1 1/2 days straight. 

I do not want to get my hopes up, but I think there was a mini breakthrough.  My lovely bf, who has known about my condition for a while, came to see me and I was able to turn to him for support.  I told him about what I had done (I often 'forget' to tell him), and the following day I actually showed him the remains of part of the binge: the empty cookie bag, the chip bag, the empty chocolate milk bottle, the other cookie bag, the chocolate-peanut butter muffin box, all of it.  I wanted him to see it, to know, to realize what I do.  He was so supportive of me, even after I showed him the remains, I can't tell you how wonderful a feeling that is. 

Some of my friends here at DS have told me how helpful it is to have someone to turn to, who is really engaged with you in the battle against BED.  I always knew my bf was my support, but I have a tendency to try and deal with BED by myself and to not seek that support.  I think now is the time to really lean on my support, because boy, do I need it. 

Sometimes, maybe 5 or 6 days after a binge and I'm eating healthy and exercising, I think to myself I can beat this without support, without friends who understand, without a group class, without too much hassle.  I'm deceiving myself.  I need support, I need friends who understand, I need knowledge and groups.  This is trial and error, and I'm not going to change through will power alone.  BED had been ten years plus in the making, and I can't be too hard on myself. 

Thank you all who have given me support since joining the group.  I appreciate, need it all. 

XBLUE