Journal

okOK, i need to release the pressure of the past 28 hours.  I was on a perfectly healthy track until yesterday afternoon, wen my bfriend leaves for a day and I decide to eat all the bread in the house and half of the icicles.  I'm thankful that at least I didn't go all night AND I made it to class in the evening (I was seriously considering skipping until the very last minute). 

If I had skipped class, that would have been aweful.  I go to a very good school, expensive and competative.  Missing class would not have done me any favors.  Not to mention I have a mountain of work due on Monday, which I've been avoiding since yesterday afternoon.  The only person it'll hurt in the end is me.   But I'm willing to deal with that.  At least I haven't binged today - that's pretty much all I've been able to do (the day has been spent watching pointless tv .... some uni work but minimal) 

But I have to say that AT LEAST I'm not binging now.  Because I've been exercising and on a healthy track for a few months now and I don't want to give that up and return to where I came from.  It's just too much work.  I will try to do a workout this evening.  My goal is to just get back on the bankwagon, not to give myself too much grief. 

Obviously, I deal badly with stress, but I'm doing better than I was (attended class and not binging today!) -- last semester I would binge for days on end and not attend class.  I need to work through that, and I know that exercise is crucial.  I need to aim to exercise every morning, I think, because if I wait till the afternoon it can lead me to a binge. 

There, that feels better. 

I've been racing away with grad school, lots of papers to hand in and work to be done.  I am certain that my BED has affected the outcome of my work.  I went in today to see my advisor, and he was clearly mad at me because I hadn't been in to see him yet.  The last thing I wanted to do was tell him I have an eating disorder, that I spend hours, days locked in my apartment eating and eating and not doing a scrap of anything else.  Wht an aweful existence.  All that time spent binging has affefted my performance in grad school.

So, this is serious.  It affects my body, my ability to work properly, my ablity to communicationw ith others (I've pretty much given up, becuase I always mess up and embarrass myself in the end ... by not showing up, choosing to binge rather than meet up with people). 

Ahhh, life.  Not much time for sympathy in grad school.  I'm just a not too great student now. I want to be an excellent studetn .... . .. . .. . . .. ... .

Usually when my parter goes away, and I'm alone in the apartment, I lose sight of everything except binging.  It's aweful.  Last night, I did eat a twix.  But I didn't binge.  I was clearly not 100% ok, but I did not consume all the white hamburger buns in the freezer.  I was agitated and CRAVING binge food, tiltering this way and that.  But I did not go to the store and purchase 3 boxes of cookies, ice cream, chocolate, donuts, chocolate milk, shitty celeb magazines, etc.  I didn't do any of that.  what did I do:

I watched a couple to films, a 1934 tribute to Dietrich and a (more entertaining) documentary about blaxploitation movies.  I ate a salad and wholewheat pasta with sardines, had a couple of popscicles and the twix, munched on almonds.  Ok, not a small meal.  I was watching and eating fast.  But I did not continue on from there to a full fledged binge.  I have every certainty that going to OA meetings is really helping.  And the support of my family is wonderful.  But meeting people who are going through the same thing, is priceless.