vanillalatte's Journal

We got a dwarf hamster. Her name is Bailey. Normally I don't like rodents. I agreed because I figure, everything "baby" is cute so, if we got a small animal that is always small. She will always be cute and I won't get tired of her.

Tomorrow is our 6th month anniversary. Sometimes I can't believe I've made it this far in a relationship with a woman. Sometimes I feel like it's really too bad that the honeymoon faze is over for her and not for me. That is actually really hard to deal with. But then once in a while she suprizes me with a gift showing that she still cares. 

Other times she seems very selfish, but then I wonder if I am being the selfish one. It is hard to determine because I know I am very sensitive. ....and selfish.

I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas that I was really excited about. I was thrilled. A few days before I leave she descides to go on a trip to devils post pile. Now I know I couldn' have made the whole  10mile hike to Mono lake and around to devils post pile with a smile on my face. But the fact of the matter is that I was going away. And I was hoping that she would be really excited to see me when I got back. But insead all she wanted to do was look at the pictures from her trip and wish that she was back there instead of here with me. Now don't get me wrong the first day I was back she hugged me and gave me a kiss and we made extremly great love that night. No doubts about that. But the next day was just like the rest.

Now, well atleast the passed couple of days all she can talk about is that she wants to go to florida to see her sister. I can understand because she plays a huge role in the entire families life her in California. Very nice girl but it kind of seems that the universe revolves around my girlfriend and her sister when it comes to their family. I didn't come from a large family and I understand that I basically am at the bottom of the food chain. But I also feel like my girlfriend hasn't grown up enough to understand what it could be like coming from a small family and understanding that family values aren't the same everywhere you go. I feel like she doesn't understand that much and she doesn't really want to. 

Now, this whole trip issue. She made me feel asthough we were competing in taking trips. Also, that sense I was going on a trip, sh had to as well. Now, everytime she goes on a trip I have something I need to do or I can't afford to do all the things she does, so I stay home. Everytime she leaves she says "you'll have fun" what does that exactly mean. I'm not going on a trip, so no I am not going to have fun. When she is going on a trip her whole universe revolves around it. That is all she can think about, talk about. That is all she is doing. I feel everything is about her. And that hurts me. Because I can't say anything to her. That will hurt her feelings. I can't pull her away from it what so ever. And it sucks. The moment she gets back we are only going to lookm at pictures from her trip and talk about how she wishes she were back there. She is leaving for two weeks. And I have to sit her and fuckin listen to it. 

It's all about her all the time. It's all about doing what she wants to do whether or not we have the money for it. Like for instense, on valentines day we were looking around kind of window shopping. She wants to go into Best Buy. That's cool I like that store. She finds a camera that she likes and of course it is $400. I don't have that kind of money. So she calls her MOM. Yes her mom and asks her very nicely to come and buy it for her. So, of course, it's for her. So her mom comes and gets it for her and we spend the rest of the fucking day with her mom. Everytime we spend time with her mom it takes about 5 hours. This is on Valentines day. Aren't WE suposed to be spending time together? I can't believe that. unreal. 

Right at this moment we are suposed to be spending a little time together watching a movie. But instead her mom is calling her every five seconds and all she can do is gaze at her computer and look tickets to Florida. And I'm on here typing this journal trying to by pass the time. fuck me.