pandora4150's Journal

I don't know how much longer I can stand this.  The urges are really strong and I feel like complete and utter crap.  I wanna dissapear.  I wanna cut.  I wanna cry.  I wanna scream.  SOmething anything to get all of these feelings out.  Ihave taken too many tylonol on two occasions.  I am not taking my meds consistently.  I wanna cut all the time.  When is this going to go away?  When is it going to end?  I know that I am not helping it by not taking my meds but i just can't seem to get myself to take them.  Everyone is soo frsutrated with me.  Staff at my program doesn't know what to do to help me anymore.  They are beyond frustrated.  They feel like nothing they are doing is helping and they feel like why should they even come and talk to me when I am going to do what I want anyway.  I guess they have a point, but i don't wanna frustrated people.  I think people would be so much better off w/o me.  Then they wouldn't have to worry about weather they are helping me or not.  The only problem is that I can't do that to my niece.  I want her to grow up and know her Aunt Leigh, but the problem is I don't want her to know this Aunt Leigh, the destrucitve sick one.  I want her to have pleasant memories of the time we spend together.

Anyway it just hurts so much.  I almost went to the hospital last night.  I told staff about the tylenol and I told them about how I was feeling amd that I don't know what the right thing to do is.  I mean I don't know if going to the hospital is the right thing or a cop out.  I know I feel miserable.  I know that I don't wanna feel like this anymore, but I don't know about the hospital.  Anyway staff asked me if I was safe and I told her that I thought i could stay safe for the night and she asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and i said no.  She then called the program coordinater to tell her what was going on and I thought she was going to say she has to go to the hospital, but she didn't.  She said that as long as I could commit to staying safe and calling the emergency line if I need to then I could stay.  SO I stayed.  The convo that I had with staff this am about them being frustarted really upset me.  I called my therapist and the clinical coordinator of the program, shes a psychologist, all upset.  I haven't talked to either one.  I am playing phone tag with the psychologist.  ANyway Idk what to do.  I am supossed to go away with my best friend next week for a couple of days but idk if I will go.  I mean I will if I am not in the hospital, but that remains to be seen.  Idk why I am having such a hard time with them meds.  I know i will wind up in the hospital if I don't take them but for some reason its not enough insentive.  Idk what has to happen for me to snap out of it.  Hopefully nothing to drastic.  ANyway I am going to go now.  I just wanted to vent about how awful I am feeling amd stuff.  I could really use some some support and encouragement right now so if someone could give me some that would be great.  Thanks.