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vader 
10:03pm, February 10, 2009
Itn will be 5 months on the 22nd of October but I have forgiven Brad.I am finding out that Brad was a man of secrets and these secrets he didnt want me to find out.Rather for not for me not to get hurt...Brad decidied that it would be better if he was out of the picture.Why do men bottle things up?I mean why do they go to strip clubs? Why do men get crushes on women that they know are beyond their reach and wont be true to them? Is it because a man ages faster? I mean what gives? And what kind of person does this with their body? Doesnt this seem gross to you? It may interest everyone to know that nude dancing is being offered at an employment place in Florida as a job...why? Why is this being promoted? Look....these women are absolutely beautiful and if I looked like Pamela Anderson things wouldnt be so bad...but I aint no sleeping beauty and I try to do my best with wigs and makeup.I also like a lot of perfume.As for me...I* am also puttin g on the pounds and i cant get rid of them.No matter how hard i try.I walk every day and i walk and walk and I am wondering...what good does exercise do? As for Brad....he never saw this woman again...but she was calling the house and since I got the number changed...the calls have stopped.I hope that she realizes someday that she really hurt me and Brad...the pain of a suicide is hard for me to express.It is a pain that even Bayer aspirin wont go away....It is sharp...And you have to clean up the mess of a suicide and it is messy.Brad left me with limited funds.I cant collect on the bond until 6 months....we had to sell the cars and the motorcycle also and now I am struggling again.I am going to look for a part time job.This is my last seaon of working for the Salvation Army.I cant do part time work anymore...I cant.I need a part time job and I need one fast.but in the mean time I have forgiven Brad and the pain that he has caused me...I had 12 and half years with him..it would have 13 on sept.23 and no matter what has happened..I miss Brad and I am in a state of limbo now.I relocated to seattle from New York in 1995 and things here were so different.I was living in a different part of seattle.I had places to go and i had friends...but people change.14 years have passed.People have died.All of my friends that I did bother with have left.Will left seattle the other day.He is moving back to his parents home in Michigan.He loves seattle.but with the economy things are tough here and he can operate his small business without certain things...me..I have decided to stay.I have got no interest in relocating back to New York.If i was a professional like a nurse of a doctor...I can always find a job back in the city..but i am not skilled..I am a factory worker who had 2 years of college and had to drop out.I have done various jobs and i have always found employment and i will survive this...There is a song that i love.It is by Gloria Gaynor..It is called...I will Survive and thats the story of my life.I will survive because things are going to get better and I can look back on this trial and laugh.
Comments
God bless you and your attitude, Hon! It is 2 yrs since my son's suicide, and I am still struggling with the "forgiveness" part. You are moving on, I say, "Good for you" and I wish you the very best! Hugs, Judy
JudyWI
I agree with our wise friend Judy! You are progressing well. It will be 2 years DEC since my son took his life, It is very hard to progressanmd to move on
grndmudder