nikL's Journal

i found out the troubles i was having has from autonomic dysfunction from fibro and and anxiety attack. nothing inherently wrong with the heart. yay!

going for some memory testing to finally find out if i've adhd. also returning to physical therapy now that my ride has recovered from her surgery and renovation appointments for the house.

just finished some paperwork today that was hanging out regarding fake unemployment compensation records, putting off paying for student loans (due to ssd/i), and some other stuff i forget at the moment.

i finally gave up going to these 12 step mtgs online. to much of the control freaks ruining the tone and goodwill. at first i thought i could ignore it and focus on the good stuff, but after some months i got tired of the same old. kinda disheartening as i'm losing my therapist for a while until she can straighten out the insurance coverage. at least i have some phone buddies from the support groups who i can call directly. lucky for that.

i let my relatives know to please not invite me for get togethers or outings or call to ask yet again why i decline, or make plans for me knowing i can't attend and give guilt trips, or send pictures with everyone except for me in them. this has been happening for years now and i told people in polite terms to please stop. now that i'm starting to feel better, i'm going to be very selective in who i decide to hang out with. for one, my mother turned around and did exactly what i asked her not to, just to try to get me upset. i didn't take the bait, but know now more than ever to continue to avoid her.

sadly, my dad does the same thing... figures out what upsets me and turns around and does it to make sure we avoid each other, meanwhile presenting to the family what saints they are for having me as a child. makes me sick since they've been virtually worthless for over half my lifetime and have caused nothing but pain and heartache simply because of their fear and shame of dealing with a disabled and queer child. how pathetic. most of the family gets their charade.

anyway, i'm getting out more to enjoy the weather and looking to get involved with helping to organize the hospital patients to fight for better care. also starting some art cards soon and plunging into eco-reserach for a local energy issue. looking forward to winter, as now i can actually hope to become more involved in local social events like knitting, writing and trans-family pot-lucks. yay for better health!

the herbs i tried to knock off the viruses that have been bothering me for some many years now is finally paying off. the chem sensitivity is lessening because of that too. now maybe i've a chance at going back to msw school.

things are looking up for now. i still have some sadness about family and frustration with some rude locals not understanding me being trans and disabled, but for the most part the future looks brighter than it has been in quite a while. what a relief!