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nikL 
11:17pm Yesterday
trying not to be as best i can. about the hysto surgery next week, whether it's the right procedure/specialist, whether i can get the right testing in time to narrow the diagnosis down by the end of the week... research i did is pointing to going to other specialists, but do i have the time to wait another round of appts?
i wonder too whether i can make the appt for diabetes testing without having another struggle to get there on friday... i'm trying to keep my composure for tomorrow's visit with the neuro regarding my changes that specifically happened on 4/2 and 5/22 and the 'recovery' since then (haha). if i break down in tears, then i'm concerned he'll write me off as a simple mental health issue. at least i've a second opinion lined up already, by someone who (i hope) won't require another doctor to shape her assessment. thank goodness for that, but i do tire of going thru the runaround.this neuro tomorrow will be my 3rd in 2 years.
reading 12 step literature. i finally came out with my complaints regarding passive agressive behavior on the telephone lines for 12 step peer support. because i can't be online as much as i'd like, this is crucial. i think others understand. i've been reaching out to others for sponsoring, and it's been hard to find someone, especially when i'm in the mother of all physical crises now and don't know how long it will last. it's like i'm radioactive. my therapist is great, but it's not enough.
tomorrow, i hope it's good weather out. i'd like to use my power chair, if the ramp from the garage can get fixed. that might be too much to ask my partner, with all the other errands she had to do before work. and friday will be taken up with the diabetes testing in the morning... maybe the weekend will give us some time to get sculpting clay for my art project and fix the wheelchair ramp so i can get out on my own.
i still worry about my safety. i felt okay until going out and having another guy run circles around me on his bike, and when i showed no interest, he hung around and spit on the ground while i tried to go into someplace to wait until he left. all i was trying to do was get out and walk a few blocks while i was feeling good.
trying to stay positive. it's so difficult some days, even weeks. i'm determined to make some space for myself, to create some enjoyment. even if i'm isolated and feeling ill.
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Sweets, I know how overwhelmed ur feeling, i have been going thru a shitstorm too. First off take a deep breath and try to relax. A muscle relaxer and a hot bath or shower will release so much tension from your body. I believe that your hysterectomy will go smoothly and i'm praying that god send angels to camp around u and protect u as you are going thru the procedure. I'm also praying that he gives the surgeons and doctors the knowledge, skill and wisdom to perform the surgery with out any complications and that u heal quickly. i'm also praying that the specialists will be kind and understanding and will figure out what else is going on with your body and be able to create a plan to either fix it or control so that your life has a better quality. And that guy was an asshole, dont pay jerks like that any mind, just let it roll off your back but if someone touches u, u knock the hell out of his ass and call the police. Well that is what i would do, but u shouldnt have to deal with that bs at all. All this stress isnt good for your heart, make sure sometime this week, that u do something for u that makes u happy and lets u relax for a bit. I hope your ramp gets fixed soon so u have an easier time getting around. Last thing I want to tell u is that ur never alone in all of this, god is watching out for u and he hasnt brought u this far to let u fall, even though it would be nice if he gave u a break. lol Also i'm here for u too, so anytime u need to talk or need to vent, just send me a message and i'll be there for u. Love ya sweets, just hang in there, I believe things are going to be so much better for u after u get this surgery done. My mom had it done and after she healed she was like a whole new person, she was nicer, a better mom and had her sparkling personality back. (She had a tumor engulfing her uterus and periods would last a month at a time and she was like satan!) So stay positive everything is going to work itself out in time. Big hugs! Your friend.....Rachel
Rac87el
Hi nik:
Sorry your going through so much. I understand you may have a hysterectomy, I hope there is no cancer and on the positive side Nik you won't have to deal with having a period anymore. I had a hysto and trust me girl you won't miss that time of the month and it may help you not to so much pain and discomfort in the the pelvic area and your back.
Housing here is a website that you can go to and look for available housing
http://www.massaccesshousingregist...
12 step? What 12 step program are you talking about?
AA, NA, CODA there are so many now.
Nik you can't worry about what you don't have control over, pray, rest and don't put anymore on your plate, just get through the hysto which by the way it take a bit to recover from, they are removing stuff so you will hurt and you will need rest.
your in my prays
gi10