Journal

This has not been a particularly good day.  So, to not think of the bad, I have decided to list some of the positive.  Here goes:  woke up this morning,  still have feeling (I know this because I am hurting), mind is still ok (I know this because I can write in my journal), still have sight (I know this because I could see the blue sky and see my dirty house), still can hear (I know this because I heard my dogs barking).  Most importantly, it could be much worse, I am above ground and I know it. 

But sometimes the pain just gets me down.  I want to work, but some days the effort it takes to continue is almost too much to bear.  The thought that keeps me going is that at life's longest moment it is still a short ride.  It would be nice to reach 120 and look back on this moment and wonder why was I depressed.  They have found a way to "delete" the scoliosis along with the pain.  No more nerve damage and no more wondering if I can manage one more day.  What a wonderful life.

Both of my curves (both are in excess of 90 degrees).  Some days I just wish I could pack my bags and the things that I love and disappear.  Sometimes just the thought of having to work and be nice to people can leaves me drained.  The sad thing is that when you have had pain for as long as you can remember you do not know what it is like not to hurt or be tired. As long as I can remember I have had problems with balance and with bladder control.  When you have had to live with these problems, sometimes you forget how they can affect those around you.  You keep coping until you have convinced yourself that you are doing ok and how fortunate you are and how much worse life could be and how much worse others are than you.  Then one day it seems that everything starts to crumble and all you really have to rely on are your dogs.  Thank God they love you no matter what.  But I am rambling.  For at least the last 8 years I have been told that I have carpel tunnel - worn the hand brace even though you know that there has to be more to it than that.  Went to my urologist again today, but this time I took a copy of my scoliosis xrays - this time it started his brain to working.  His initial thoughts are nerve damage to both my hands and my bladder.  His level of concern has increased and now he wants me to have additional test performed that will be video taped to show what is happening.  No matter how often I have told doctors that I have severe scoliosis, it seems that they have never really taken me seriously.  I am not the type to moan and groan.  I grew up with parents that had health issues, yet they worked and endured.  For that I am grateful, because it has helped me to work and have a fairly normal life.  Yet, it has caused me to accept too much pain.  You get tired ot telling doctors and others the same thing over and over and they really do not listen or then they see the xrays and cannot get past that image.  I say all of this because I wish someone had listened and put all the information that I gave them to find out what was wrong and just keep telling me that I had a birth defect.  Duh -- you think.  I have decided to take my scoliosis xrays with me everytime I go to a doctor to get a straight answer.  Then perhaps before anyone else suggest surger on my hands for carpel tunnel they might think to test the nerves and see if that is the cause for my hands, shoulder and other body parts going numb or seemingly something crawling on me when there is nothing crawling on me.  

It would be very beneficial if the UTIs can be cleared up.  I am so tired of antibotics and cranberry juice.  Now I have to go back on them for seven days and then start another type of antibotic every day until I have the video type of test in August. 

I have to believe that I am paying my dues on this earth now and that when I die I will be rewared with a better place.

Hopefully I can keep fighting this battle.  Who knew scoliosis could be this type of battle and I am only 54.