Journal

the horrible husband of mind is so horible that he can do things just to hurt my feelings for no reason.I am stuck , can't go to work , cos need to take care of my children espeacially my daughter who is dyspraxic.

I just did the laudry yesterday, and this mad fellow took all his clothes that were hanging and thew them on the floor.i just can't wait for my kids to grow up and i will just leave him. i sms to him today , ''be man enough to voice out your problems, if you don't like me

to do your washing just say so , i have got no problem, if you want me to leave just say so i can leave anytime." but still no reply from him from 9am , now is't 5pm.

God knows what kind of show he is going to put on today, it's so embarassing when we quarrel, all the neighbours can hear, we are staying in an apartment, the previous apartment was mind so every time we quarrel i just chase him out of the apartment, so he forced me to sell it away and we are renting now.This is an old place where the neighbours are so close, from their windows can see our entire apartment.

May god be with me and give me the strenght to go on.

I started my day as normal. Then suddenly it was like a busy day, i knocked my car against a wall, quite bad scratch mark, hope my husband won't see and scold me. I had to get it repaired by this saturday. Had to send my car to the work shop, call my dad to fetch me and my kids, put up a night at my dad's place, the next day take my car and go back home. This is my plan and i hope it works pretty well. MOnday is a school day so i had to iron and prepare everything before i send my car.Hope it won't cost much too.

Came back wanted to cook, fried some vegetables, almost done wanted to add in an egg, the egg was spoild so had to throw away the whole dish and as i was in a rush to go back to work ( working part time during the school holidays ), i was really mad. the other time i took so much time preparing the dish , about to take to the dining table , my hand sliped and the whole thing fell on the floor and broke. It's been like this for the past one week.minor minor accidents, breaking so many dishes, hope nothing major will happen. 

I was a very happy go lucky girl a long time back till a got to know my husband. He took the smile away from me. I just don't know how to smile anymore.During my school time all my classmates, school mates and many others were after him because he was a very good looking guy. When he approached me , i refuse to date him. I even told my friend ven if he is the last guy on earth i won't marry him. At that time i had a pen-pal from another state but same country , we correspond a lot thru mail, once in a blue moon he will call me as he was working and i was still schooling ( 3 years of age gap) same with my husband. My pen-pal i had never meet him till today we kind of fall in love after writing to each other for sometime, i was only 15 then, he use to advise me and guide me with my maths as i was weak in my maths. He will send me some important notes...............

As i am from a very conservative family, i was scared that my parents won't approve of me marrying CJ (my pen-pal) .after my secondary education, i broke off with him withut even meeting him in person and went to college.

After some 10 years i started working in a bank in my hometown and met my husband again and he was working in the same bank, (different bank from mine) and somehow rather we have all the bankers gatherings , tally match and so on and i his bank was our banker ( when we have excess cash or short of cash we take from the bank that he was working) since i was the cheif cashier in my bank i use to go there often .................. blah..balh...balh and started going out with him, end up marrying him. None of my friends could believe that i did marry him. Even Then he was admired by many girls yet he came for me and i thought why not after 10 years he is still there for me.But now after marrying him i started havingproblems with him as he is totally the opposite from my character. We have two lovely kids now .It's been 15 years since i have married to him and beleive me it is a living hell.I am still with him because of my kids , i brought them into this world and i want to be responsible for them. My daughter is very very attached to him so i have no heart of seperating them as if i leave him i will take both my kids with me as they don't like his character. He is not a womaniser, alcoholic..............but the words he uses , he is not understanding at all towards our feelings. He just treat us without any feelings of understanding , love, caring...........

well i am done , i have less berden now that i got it off from my chest.One more think i am always thnking about CJ, should i contact him but i don't have his contact number and i don't remember his address well,.........is it No.71 or 75 i just can't remember, but i really want to know what had happened to him. Is he married or not? how is he? is he happy? I just want him to be happy . He was so dissappointed in me. i always write to him telling him not to leave me but i left him and it's killing me till today deep inside my heart.It happened in 1982 but i still can't forget him and what i did to him. Lately it's bugging me a lot.