SadTime's Journal

As I made a desperate attempt to learn to survive disabled after the death of my beloved husband in 03 I found the strong faith I grew up with provided comfort and hope. Having only the church 'family' to turn to after his death as I faced this all alone I was forced to learn the harsh realities of what it meant to be alone, ill with only my faith to survive on. The two year fight that it took to receive the disabled widows benefits from my late husband's SSA left me hospitalized in a mental hospital totally physically, mentally exhausted beyond the ability to cope with even living just one more day of what turned out to be an incredible nightmare. When I broke all the bones in my left ankle just a few months after my husband's death from trying to tackle all that needed to be done around our home alone that resulted in being taken by ambulance to the ER and having emergency surgery to put in a metal plate to hold what was left of the ankle together and the follow up that was required in the convalescent hospital and then the months alone at home in a wheelchair unable to prepare decent meals or do any laundry was my introduction into learning what it meant to be 'loved' by my church. They never came to the hospital to visit and when the social worker at the convalescent hospital tried to get them to provide help with cooking and laundry assistance for when I was sent home they simply told what I explain in more detail on my home web site. I met someone for a brief period of time that also had a terribly painful experience at the hands of my church that allowed me to know that I was not alone in the pain that was inflicted upon me. To not have to feel any longer that I was alone with some of the treatment that had been given to me in my need as I now survived alone, ill and disabled gave me comfort. Just simply knowing that needless harm and suffering could happen to others that believed so much in a church as the 'family' it claimed to be as I did after the death of my husband gave me comfort because I never understood why people that claimed to love God so much could be so heartless, hard hearted while teaching me that what they could not devour in terms of wanting only contact with people they viewed as being financially/materially wealthy they would simply leave for dead. I was in fact left for dead because my material/financial wealth was perceived by them to be less then what they desired. I was left alone to face overwhelming circumstances that left me totally exhausted and caused illness that left me in bed for several days at a time. I often was too ill to get enough food to eat so I would simply have to face going hungry. I actually reached such a point of exhaustion combined with illness that ending my life would seem the only act of mercy left to me as the days tuned into months and the months turned into years.

So I now know the truth of what it means to be a disabled person left alone after the death of a spouse. What cannot be devoured is simply left for dead.

I'm still working on adjusting to the harsh realities. When I am not so exhausted I think life is improving. Many days I simply rest and enjoy all the blessings my life is filled with. In today's economy I have my home, garden and my bills are paid without owing any money to anyone. I have never spent beyond my means and have saved over the years. I've learned to stock up on beans and other food products that have a long self life that fits into my not being able to get to the store that often for needed groceries so for the most part I no longer cope with ongoing hunger. I take sponge baths with water I heat on my stove as I continue to wait for needed help in fixing the plumbing and such. But I think of those that don't have even that option. I am blessed.

They could not devour me and I am still surviving the death sentence from neglect they issued me when my husband died and I was left to face life alone disabled. My life is now even better then many of theirs with our current economy kicking everyone's butt. Perhaps it is just God's way of providing for an even playing field. Neglect and indifference was good enough for me when my husband died and perhaps God sees the sour economy is good enough for those that gave me such painfully harsh treatment at a time I needed love the most. I no longer go hungry and I never have to worry about money. Not everyone gets to say that these days. I live a wonderfully simple life filled with many blessings. I've just needed to learn to let go of all I believed about the church all of my life. A painful reality check I am still adjusting to. But I am adjusting. This is my website where I share more of that painful experience. This has done much to help the healing process. http://mypeoplepc.com/members/jspr007/hereagain/id26.html  Oh yes, the name of the church is First Babtist Church, Stockton, California.  People need to know of which church I speak.  I'm sure there must be some very loving places that would never have treated anyone so badly at such a time as I faced when my husband died.