reddutchgirl's Journal

This is the third day in a month that I have not felt like I just wanted to lay in bed all day.  Severe stomach pain, naseous, trembling, extreme muscle pain, my worst weakness, headaches, irratability, lack of apetite, heart racing, and the list goes on and on.  Maybe I'm finally turning a corner.  Maybe these steroids just took that long to help my body.  Maybe I was as sick as the neuro from Duke said.  I'm going to think positive and just not overdo anything just yet.  I still don't feel as well as I did before I started the new treatment, but things are much better than they were a couple of weeks ago.  I really had to disconnect there for awhile and there are still many connections that I have to keep disconnected for a while longer.  It took getting this sick to realize that I have to come first.  I really do.  We should all come first, spirit is first.  After we have done all we can with spirit, we will have much more left for family and loved ones. 

We can't just take from the spirit tank to give to others and expect it to stay full.  You give too much and you wind up at the end of the day with nothing left for you.  That certainly does your loved ones no good.  How can we care for them when we have nothing of ourselves left?  Why on earth would it take me getting as ill as I did for the light bulb to finally go off?  Crazy.  We aren't put her to suffer, but we will; that's a guarantee.  I used to think that it was selfish to put myself first.  You have to put your children and then your husband first, if you have anything left you get the scraps.  That is just not acceptable and I can't believe that I was victim to that thinking.  Not to that high of a degree, but along the same lines just the same.  Now I am forced to put myself first and while it is an alien concept, learning how imperative it actually is.

I have been busy just surviving and disconnecting.  I have news of the disablity meeting with my attorney, but I don't know if I want to get into the incredulous stupidity of DDS.  Yep, steroids.  We had an interesting discussion to say the least and I let him know where I stood.  Get me in front of a judge.  That will be a nice long wait, so there's no point in wasting time thinking about that right now. 

I apologize for not being on DS and being inactive.  It's not ya'll, it's me; trust me.  I'm working on finding the balance, then hopefully the happiness will come next.  I feel too full of negativity right now to be of help to anyone.  If I could get my acupuncture and yoga back, that would help matters along.  My blood has gone all whacky and they are discussing changing treatment and bringing other worse things up and I'm not allowed to do much of anything.  Drives an active person a little nuts, to say the least.  Sorry for the vent and all who had to read it, didn't know it would end up as one.  I guess I just needed to get some things out, but most importantly; I needed to write.