reddutchgirl's Journal

I've been thinking about journaling for awhile now and just haven't decided which direction or what I needed to say the next entry should be about.  Should I write the thoughts that have been rolling over and over in my mind?  Should I speak of past issues that I think led to my current state?  Not today.  Should I do a general update?  Should I discuss my medical issues and symptoms?  Don't feel like that one.  Should it be positive?  Should I vent my worries about being ill, a parent, a wife?  What do I write about?  To be honest with you, I still have no clue what this entry will end up like.  I'm gonna fly by the seat of my pants and live in the now on this one.  Hope it offends none.

I used to love to come on DS and read the journal entries, the discussions, make comments and empathize with others or just lend support where I could.  I'm not doing as much of, or not doing most of the previous.  I think it is that I'm kinda numb on the inside at this particular point in my life.  I still find things to make me happy and have gratitude for the wonderful things in my life, but there's no spark inside right now.  Passion I had for many things has left me for right now.  I don't think this is just a phase or a cycle of my life, I think it is necessary for my physical ailments to turn off most. 

I had a friend stop by the other day and again today.  She's a very sweet and smart young woman, but is in an abusive relationship and has 2 children.  Yesterday we noticed the bruise on her arm and Matt and I both thought it looked like he punched her.  My gut KNEW that he had punched her.  I know my friends and have known her for a few years now.  Matt wants to beat up her husband, but I tell him that would get her into trouble.  Even if she told us the truth, he still could not beat up the guy no matter how much he wanted.  If you see him hitting his wife, if he does it right in front of you; then by all means, do what you want.  The simple fact of the matter is, she will leave the abuse when she is ready.  It doesn't matter how many offering hands are out there, she has to come to a point to leave.  We cannot get involved, if we do then the abuser will have succeeded in alienating her from someone who cares about her.  Just what is in their agenda.

If any of you know my redheaded temper, you would know that I would have been cheering him on.  I guess disease has calmed me down and wisened me up to some degree.  Other areas I fell like it is bringing out the 2 year old me.  I'm not doing things for my health that I know I should and I make all kinds of excuses for it, some valid some not.  I think this is a normal part of the disease process, psychologically speaking.  It's probably not normal for all, but it is for me.  I hate lumping all in one boat, guess that is the sociologist in me.  Sociologists are born, not bred.  Yes, there is a training and education to it, but most people just don't think the way we do.  I forget the class, but I learned from the professor that 5% of people can "get" sociology and only 1% truly understand it.  I guess we just think differently than others and I promise you that can get you in a lot of trouble sometimes.  One time in college a student told me, in front of the class and the professor, that I was lucky they didn't still stone people or burn witches at the stake.  It wasn't a nice statement, but it had a lot of truth to it.  I don't think like the status quo and that can always get you in trouble if you voice your opinions. 

I think my "passion" is put in the freezor right now is because my physical body needs me to pay it all my attention.  I'm sorry to those that I used to be in more contact with, but I have some stuff to do right now.  Doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you or that I don't care, just busy trying to keep this body working right now.  I have a mess of crazy kittens and a momma cat in heat to deal with right now.  This office stinks like nobody's business.  I just steam cleaned, but it needs it again and these cats need a secure area outside.  Too much fun, but the kittens are fun to watch.  Not enough to keep them in the house though.  We just don't have the room.

Til next time, I hope you all have wonderful magical things happen.  May you smile and laugh several times each day.  Have much love, peace, and courage in your life,  Kim